My husband is suddenly showering everyday, so I assume he’s having an affair
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Huge respect for Parasite, but Ford v Ferrari deserved to win just for the opening scene
I always say I’ll sleep when I’m dead, but I’m pretty sure I’ll still find a way to stay up late.
I WON’T TELL YOU AGAIN!
~ me to my kids for the 387th time today
Kids are like mosquitoes…
…when they stop making a noise, start worrying
{emergency evacuation}
Police:For the last time you need to leave your house now!
Me:*frantically packing my Golden Girls DVD box set* ok ok
just got a JetBlue email saying i can fly the plane if i book now
Do not levitate over flowers
[hs reunion]
JANE: i’m an engineer
TOM: i’m a real estate developer
AMY: i’m a lawyer
*everyone looks at me*
ME: *panics* i’m a hospital
Getting dressed,
Makeup is looking good,
Awesome hair day,
Feeling great about myself!Put on my glasses….
Damn it!
It’s -45° and my polar bear won’t start.
I reached for my bagel at a weird angle and now I need a chiropractor.
Getting older means talking to less people and complaining about more people.
People say “If you want loyalty, get a dog,” but my dog would abandon me in a dark alley for a pizza crust, so maybe loyalty has layers.
Sober me:
It would be convenient to have a urinal in my house.
Drunk me:
A urinal! *pees in sink*
I keep a table cloth napkin and goggles under my bed in case someone beaks in and want to have a pie eating contest.
I’m sorry to hear your uncle was run over by a boat in Venice. My gondolences.
gf: i’m breaking up with you.
me: is it my drinking habits?
gf: well it…
me: *interrupts with empty cup straw-sipping noise for 2 minutes*
Threw my garbage in the dumpster noticed I didn’t have my wallet. After looking everywhere, I fished out the garbage bag with an ice scraper. Found my wallet in the garbage but my keys fell in. After considerable more effort I have my keys. And I’ve only been outside 20 mins!
On hot days I always check the parking lot to make sure no one left their car windows up with an ice cream cake in there.
[One hour past bedtime]
[3 year-old yelling from his bed]: PAPA!
Me: YES?
3: [Points to chair] Sit with me.
Me: I would LOVE to but the monster, that eats kids who don’t sleep, hates that chair being warm.
3:
Me [Finger guns] Goodnight kiddo.
Apparently, saying “grande” in a non-Starbucks coffee shop is like shouting the wrong name during sex.
Just thought I’d let everybody know that
I passed my paintball exam…with flying colors…
Sometimes I make myself feel important by thinking in a British accent.
*gets b̶e̶t̶t̶e̶r̶ bitter with age*
WANTED: OOMPA LOOMPAS
Main duties:
– Machine Maintenance
– Chocolate Production
– Quality Control
– Singing when kids die
every time we see a couple with a big age gap, my girlfriend goes “ugh what do they even have in common???” and it’s like, idk, maybe that they’re both getting extremely judgmental voicemails from every member of their family
Went to the Planetarium to do some stargazing but I didn’t see one celebrity. Rip-off!
Saturday