[The Price is Right Wheel-O-Fate stops on the 🕳 symbol]
DREW: ooh that’s 8 days in the hole
CONTESTANT: what?
[hole opens in the ground]
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‘THE POWER OF CHRIST COMPELS YOU!’
~me, parenting teens
No one told me that part of motherhood is consistently looking like the before on a makeover show.
Why run with scissors when you can run with bananas which are far less dangerous and also tasty snacks.
I remember when yoga was called Twister.
I lost my job because my manager heard me slapping one of the customers. He wasn’t even at work. He heard from home.
2016: No way will Trump win the election
2017: No way will President Trump fire all those nukes
2018: No way we’re doing what those Apes say
*Me coming home after a frustrating day*
Grandmother: *sensing I could use a win* How about those…upped dogs, eh?
[Ouija board starts shaking and screeching]
Me: hold on I gotta take this
i’m selfie-employed. yes sir i’ll make a duck-face. right away sir.
Sorry, I didn’t mean to lol your poetry
A friend handed my 7yo a coloring page as a gift, and my kid looked at it and muttered jesus christ. So I thought oh no I better watch how I talk around him, then he flipped it over and showed me…baby jesus
Of course I can keep a secret, It’s the people I tell it to that can’t.
Trainer: What’s the most intense part of your work out?
Me: Getting into my sports bra.
My husband: If mushrooms can have a vocabulary of up to 50 words to communicate with each other, I’m pretty sure you can tell me where you’d like to eat.
Me: I don’t know, where do you want to eat?
A good hack to make my house look clean and tidy in the evening is to turn all the lights off.
[two women sunbathing in garden]
“It’s so nice out here”
“Where’s that creepy guy who lives next door?”
HEDGE “He’s away for the weekend”
Bend over and take it like a taxpayer.
[airline check-in]
SERVICE DESK: ok, I see you have no bags to check, you must be traveling light
PHOTON (wearing fake mustache): haha what makes you say that
*waits for a sign*
*dead bird falls from sky*
*waits for another, better sign*
me: *stabs vampire*
wife: omg
me: *beats zombie to death*
wife: OMG
me: what
wife: ur supposed to give them candy
My high school “best friend” unfriended me on Facebook, so I guess the weight loss is noticeable.
Me: Can u send me those documents?
Coworker: Yes, but u can actually get them by–
Me: Nope, don’t try teaching me to fish. Not interested.
jfc, the doctor doing my physical just asked if I was “that twitter guy” so I said “yup, I’m the funny twitter guy,” and he responded “I didn’t say funny.” We haven’t even gotten to the awkward part of this appointment yet 🙁
*at interview*
Him: What would you say are your strengths?
Me: Words
Him: Can you say more?
Me: More
Him:
Me: I’m also good at directions
If you watch Scooby-Doo backwards its about some kids helping a business owner enter a costume contest then minding their own business.
me: i love pillow talk
pillow: hello
me: what the hell
I don’t understand the expression “on the lamb.” If you’re running away, wouldn’t you choose a faster mount?
I hate when companies say “THIS IS NOT A DRILL” and then they’re like “select shirts 10% off” Ok..? Didn’t need the disclaimer. Nobody thought that this was a practice round. I didn’t read the discount and go “ok champ, get on their website. Time to practice”
Me: I heard you two are expecting, so I bought you a Parenting book.
Friend: Umm, this is a Cocktail Recipe book.
Me: You’re welcome.
My son’s name is Miller if you were wondering if I like beer.