(walks into coworker’s office who has an Echo)
Alexa, what is Pi to a thousand digits?
(walks out)
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My husband says I’m not heavy enough to make an impact when I stand on him to massage him so I now have the perfect excuse to eat all the cake
Me: Coke please
Waiter: Is heroin okay?
“The Last Voyage of the Demeter” is too long a title. Personally , I would have called it “Bitey Boat”.
I don’t bully strangers on the internet because I’m too busy making fun of the people I know irl
My boss: “Sean, what do you know about Twitter?” Me: “nothing. Why? What have you heard?”
Me: check it out, this guy is selling new iPhones for $20
Her: they’re probably phoney
Me: *unvelcro-ing wallet* I hope so, they’re phones
I accidentally put my yoga pants on backwards this morning; and I’m absolutely horrified to say, they’ve never fit better.
(Me playing guitar)
3: Daddy what’s this song called?
Me: Going Nowhere.
3: I know that but what’s this song called?
Burned by a 3yo.
To hairstylist: [makes series of incomprehensible gestures around my head shape] so exactly that or I’ll cry
Cop: And how would you describe the assailant?
Me: I guess I’d start with hair, eye, and skin color. Probably height and weight next…
Poor Luigi when his parents were all, “This is Mario, we also call him ‘Super Mario’. And this Luigi, we also call him ‘Player 2’.
Swedish for common sense.
Why was Darth Vader referred to as Lord Vader?
Because calling him Master Vader made all the Stormtroopers giggle.
I was led to believe there’d be secret missions, stamps in my passport and fancy galas.
My apologies to your congregation. I totally misunderstood when you asked for missionary volunteers
Gum commercials exaggerate your odds of kissing a complete stranger in public by 780,000,000%
*Lips to mike
Mike: Do I know you?
[chick-fil-a]
EMPLOYEE: can i take your order?
ME: yes, thank you for asking
EMPLOYEE: my pleasure
ME: and thank you for saying it was your pleasure
EMPLOYEE: please don’t do this
ME: oh i’m just getting started
Some of my best friends started out as bad choices.
Me *looking at 50 caskets in church* this is weird
Waldo’s wife *dabbing eyes* it’s what he would’ve wanted
Maybe Tailgate wants to be banged. Did you ask? You don’t know.
(Wedding)
Priest: They’ve written their vowsWife: *recites beautiful vows*
Me: *takes out notecard* I love you and cheese the same amount
Him: I love you so much I want to shout it from the mountaintop
Me: *knows about mountains* Literally no one will hear you up there
Necessity is the mother of invention, and the wife of bill.
Bill is the only one in the family with a normal name.
I am one “Mom!” away from making the 6 o’clock news.
I don’t get to work from home but that won’t stop me from showing up in my bathrobe.
A job site for heavily tattooed professionals called Inkedin
Me: *tries to sneak a pic of someone but forgets flash is on
Did you just take my picture?
Me: *starts to make thunder noises