Twitter has actually made me smarter. I proofread, I verify spelling and punctuation. Downside is I am now mute and haven’t bathed in days.
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Tom Cruise does all of his own stunts because death is the only way out of the Church of Scientology.
20 yrs from now they’ll make a movie on how Leonardo DeCaprio never won an Oscar. Plot twist the actor playing him wins an Oscar.
It’s 5pm and I’m pretty sure my husband’s trying to get me drunk. Joke’s on him, I’ve been drunk since noon.
Funny how “It just broke” was a common excuse of mine as a child that I never had to say again until I got married.
When I die, please don’t blame the year. Blame the alligator responsible.
[1st date]
-I’m a fish whisperer.
Wow, what does that mean?
-*whispers* Fish.
Oh… Haha um what do you-
-*whispers right in her ear* Fish.
I replaced all the fire extinguishers at work with confetti canons because I like to party
If someone calls me “boo” I automatically assume they’re trying to scare me.
this atm and my therapist need to get together and pick a lane
I just realized how much money I’m gonna save on education when I drove past a field with cows in it and my 4yo says “hey look moo cows oink oink oink!”
Facebook: YOU HAVE MEMORIES TO LOOK BACK ON! HERE’S YOUR WEDDING!
Me: Christine divorced me
Fb: IT’S BOB’S BIRTHDAY!
Me: He stole Christine
Fb: HERE’S A PHOTO OF YOUR DOG!
Me: They took the dog
Fb: I KNOW
Me: Why are you doing this
Fb: YOU HAVE MEMORIES TO LOOK BACK ON
I was able to secretly eat an entire candy bar with my toddler in the same room so the CIA should be hiring me any minute now.
Me: Unhand me you scoundrel!
Masseuse: Please stop saying that
Me, seeing five little monkeys jumping on the bed: *closes door*
My bank just sent me an email starting with “we’re all in this together” and then told me my monthly fees are going up
sometimes work CAN be fun, like reading through a long, complicated email and realizing you have zero responsibility for it so you can immediately forward to the person that does while laughing
After a long day of tweeting I like to relax with a hot cup of wtf am I doing with my life?
“You want a BOOTH?!”
“I think I’m entitled to the BOOTH!”
“YOU CAN’T HANDLE THE BOOTH!!!”
~angry exchange at the Applebee’s hostess stand
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
His breath smelled like rotten eggs & bad cheese so draw a lot of those smelly lines by his mouth
“Never eat raw cookie dough” sounds like a lie made up a long time ago by some guy that sold ovens for a living.
My high school girlfriend got “uses her kids as her facebook profile picture” fat.
STOP ACTING LIKE THIS GROCERY STORE GIFT CARD ISN’T ROMANTIC. WHO DOESN’T LIKE FOOD?
After 10 missed calls in a row, I’m tempted to answer the phone just so I can find out who wants to be murdered.
My wife calls it “silent treatment”. I call it “attractive disagreement period”.
Why do cars slow down when they see a cop has pulled someone over? HE’S A LITTLE BUSY TO WORRY ABOUT YOU RIGHT NOW DUMMIES
The casinos are closed, so get your gambling fix by ordering groceries online.
James Bond is trending so here’s ROGER MOORE in the greatest celebrity story ever. #JamesBond
Coworker: What would be your ideal-
Me: Sleeping
CW: But you didn’t let me finish my-
M: My answer is always sleeping.
A realistic Godzilla movie would be 2 cats defeating him by tripping him and purring on his legs while he’s trying to walk down a mountain.
Told all my coworkers I shaved my beard but that was a bald-faced lie