lying here thinking of the time i was about to compliment a lady at the gas pumps on her shiny black scarf and then i realized she worked there and just had new trash bags hanging around her neck as she took out the full ones
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I googled “how freaking long can it possibly take to play 18 holes of golf?” if you wanted to know how much trouble my husband is in tonight.
There’s no way to look cool when the doctor walks into your exam room just as you’re blowing up a rubber glove.
Establish dominance by immediately asking your therapist how they feel about what you just said.
Me: I’ll take Glinda the Good Witch because I love shoes, Ursula the Sea Witch so she could silence annoying people for me, and Maleficent because I love to sleep.
Genie: But that’s not…eh, never mind, your witches are granted.
Yes, air conditioning, I’ll marry you. Yes! Yes! A thousand times, yes!
when you came back from the bathroom and your younger sibling had taken your spot on the couch
[at work]
me in my 20’s: I DONT NEED LUNCH I HAVE MOTIVATION AND AMBITION TO ENERGIZE ME
me now: listen, if i don’t eat lunch at this exact second i will actually die
7yo son: Mom, can you hand me a tissue so I can blow my nose?
Me: Is it already—
7: It’s already on my finger, yes.
*puts my hair in a ponytail
IG influencer: here’s why we don’t do that.
Pork is awesome, but it’s best when used as a verb.
Remember kids, don’t light your own fireworks. Have the adults who have been drinking all damn day do it.
Just heard Justin Bieber vowed not to return to the UK after his disastrous tour here.
Well done the UK. Well done.
When I was a kid, there were actually six oceans: The Pacific, Atlantic, Indian, Antarctic, Arctic and Billy.
I don’t know what’s happening here, but I am definitely going to check it out.
MY GRANDMA: The doctor says I’m standard.
ME: That’s not what STD is short for Grandma.
*Me getting pulled over*
Me:license and registration please?
Guy police officer :I pulled u over..
Me:do u really want to argue with me?
guy who invented the wheel: one day everyone’s going to remember my name
Cop: ma’am i pulled you over because you were tailgating me
Me: okay first of all, if you didn’t want me tailgating you maybe you shouldn’t have a dog in the car
My mother had eight kids and she’d buy a box of six Pop Tarts. Don’t tell me about your childhood problems.
Only 90’s kids will remember this! *plays outside*
My high must be wearing off, because that cop car that pulled me over 20 minutes ago is starting to look like a house with Christmas lights.
My 4 y/o doesn’t realize that things in life have happened before his existence. I bet this is what life is like for Kanye. Let’s be gentle.
Me, excited because I don’t have to make school lunches for the next three months.
*Summer camps have entered the chat.*
Ibuprofen is the new Chiclets for people over 40
ME: I’m so nervous. It’s my first day on the job. I definitely fibbed on my qualifications to get this job. Hope I can figure it out before I mess up.
CO-PILOT: …What?
Penguins are always dressed in formalwear because they often need to go to court to answer for their terrible crimes
Pro tip:
If you really want to make an impact, always have a mouth full of saliva before you “shhh” someone.
[Hoth Rebel Base]
Leia: How’s Skywalker?
Han: He was nearly frozen when I found him.
Leia: And, now?
Han: Lukewarm.
Leia: …
Han: Hehehe
ATTENTION MEN: STOP BUYING YOUR GIRLFRIEND FLOWERS AND PERFUME FOR VALENTINE’S DAY AND GET HER WHAT SHE REALLY WANTS. A SWORD