I’m starting an eraser company and looking to get the word out
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my biggest flaw is saying “don’t worry i’m gucci” when in fact i am t.j maxx
Me: can I ask a rhetorical question?
Her: sure
Me: well apparently not
ME *enters new password*
COMPUTER: Ok
M: Aren’t u going tell me it’s too weak?
C: I’ve seen your life & more criticism just seems unkind
FDA has lowered the buying age for Plan B to 15. If you’re younger than that, you’re not responsible enough so shut up and have your baby.
Religious rituals and prayers sound really creepy when you replace “Jesus” with “Jeff”
Father-in-law criticizing too much tablet time for my kids.
Things I have suggested for him to do with my kids:
Just Dance
Plant Flowers
Park
Play Cards
Bake Cookies
Play Softball
Go for a walk
Watch Encanto
Fly kitesThings my FIL has agreed to do with my kids:
[after putting a fake mustache on an elephant]
FRIEND: You seen my elephant?
ME: no
FRIEND: [eyeing elephant] Maybe this fine gentleman has
What kind of outfit says “I want you to let me stand in your group so I don’t look like a loser but I don’t want to talk to any of you”?
likes 853 pics in your media, don’t make this awkward boo.
Lauren on Facebook asks:
“What’s the best way to ward off ghosts?”To which I replied: “a camera.”
Eye drops falling everywhere except my eyes is why I have trust issues.
Dr: Are you sexually active?
Me: *cries*
Dr: Um, are you sexually-
Me: *cries harder*
Dr: …..Ok. Do you drink?
Me: YES I BLOODY DRINK
MORPHEUS: choose the red pill or the blue pill
NEO: which one turns into the coolest dinosaur
I always use a short cut when I’m going to knife fight a midget.
guy inventing chess: this is an allegory for the medieval system of monarchy
guy inventing checkers: hoppity hop, hop hop hop
I wanted to lose 10 pounds this year. Only 13 to go.
Ever had sex so bad you felt like calling a manager to complain?
Remember when the Backstreet Boys sang ‘Show Me the Meaning of Being Lonely’ and then we all showed them for the rest of their lives?
when serial killers go for a run do they take the psycho path
Him: don’t you want your umbrella?
Me: no, my phone says it’s not raining
Him: but *points to window* you can see that it is
Me: I hardly think reality knows better than google Colin
My OnlyFangs is just me snapping my teeth at the camera and biting someone occasionally.
you always think you have the “dateline” story figured out in the first 20 minutes. but then someone goes jogging.
4: Did you just shower?? Your hair looks so pretty!
Me: Awwww, thank y—
4: It looks like a bug
Me:
Me: Guh! Say it. Don’t spray it
Firefighter: That’s not… that’s not how using a fire hose to save your burning home is supposed to work…
So psyched! My 1st granddaughter born today:
6lb11oz!
Which is not the name I’d have chosen, but I guess I need to keep up with the times.
Sometimes I wonder how vegans can survive off what little they can eat and then I remember they just feed off attention.
I start opening a delivered package before I even get back inside and my wife can let her packages sit unopened on the table for a week. Which one needs therapy?
My husband was just rude to me and I said that I’m going to punish him and he got all excited but like I don’t even know why he’s so excited to do my Calculus homework
[hiding my girlfriends Christmas present behind my back] remember how you said we were out of milk