(home depot)
frosty: so…i hear this is where I can find a snowblower
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Me: What are my choices again?
Pollster: Donald Trump…
Me: Or?
Pollster: Puppymonkeybaby.
Me: …
Pollster: Well?
Me: I’m thinking.
I bet somebody on Facebook is vowing to not eat Russian salad dressing EVER AGAIN.
I said something about March 31st and my husband said, “Honey, there aren’t 31 days in March.”
Friends, with the most-bro-is-always-right smirk, he pulled his phone out to fact check my ass and then said, “Ha Ha Just Kidding! You know I was kidding right? It was a joke.”
Maternity.
Sounds like you’re going to be pregnant forever.
Lucky old June.
My husband and kids have started humming Darth Vader’s Imperial March whenever I walk into the room and I’ve never felt more complete
Clothes shopping with my 11 y/o daughter when she declares she would love to dress in more bright colors but “at the same time, I’m a messy eater.” It takes many years for some people to reach this level of self-awareness.
Here’s a question for all the mind readers out there.
when my nephew says the bad word i taught him:
If you feel like you’re about to punch someone, take a deep breath. Then exhale as you punch to get more power.
I got this box of water on my flight last night. It is not better. It tastes like a petting zoo
Slot twist: That USB drive goes in the other way. Turn it over
I don’t download pirated music or movies anymore because I simply no longer know how.
Active Yeast: Let’s make that bread fam
Inactive Yeast: Let’s stay in bed man
*Goes to a monastery knocks on the door. A monk answers the door.
Monk: (smiles) Hello. May I help you?
Me: By Chance is your name Chip?
Monk: What?
Me: If your name is Chip that would make you Chip-Monk! Get it? Like Alvin yah know?
Monk: *Whispers “Thou Shall Not Kill”.
Sometimes I question the medical advice on Twitter. With that said, I’ve removed my appendix. Now what?
“Stop counting”—-me to my Visa card bill
What idiot called it a driver’s test and not a Game of Cones?
My grandma married 2 men named Grover. I think she just had a thing for the name Grover, because she also married 2 women named Grover
If by putting clean sheets on my bed you mean I piled unfolded clean sheets on my bed and then used them as a cuddle buddy for a week, then yes, I put new sheets on my bed.
The entire world is the kid in the back seat asking are we there yet. Politicians are the parent saying “soooo close” and scientists are the honest parent.
My boyfriend told me to stop acting like a flamingo so I had to put my foot down
[first day as a 911 operator]
me: nine hundred and eleven what is your emergency
Boss: Lunch meeting, let’s go.
Me: Do I have to?
Boss: Free food and unlimited alcohol.
Me: *moonwalks to the car*
My 3-year-old dumped pudding in her pocket.
Novice dad reaction: “You ruined your pants.”
Veteran dad: “Thank God. I thought it was poop.”
my computer is organized exactly like my brain, which is to say that I just found a photo of a baby weasel alone in a folder called “good”
[Darth Vader sitting down]
DV: *takes sip of smoothie before spitting it out* What’s this?!? I said strawberry-banana!
Aid: We thought you might want to try kale again for your health my Lord
DV: You thought?
*begins force choking*
You have kale’d me for the last time
Whenever I motorboat a stripper, I spend more time on the left boob cuz its closer to the heart. I’m a die hard romantic.
“so what did you do before self-driving cars?”
“we just drove ’em ourselves!”
“wow, no one died that way?”
“oh no, millions of people died”
My husband got some virtual reality goggles for christmas and so far I like them because they make him very vulnerable to attack.