Pescaterian: eats fish
Pestcaterian: eats insects
Pezcaterian: eats candy from a cartoon character
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I have pictures of random children in my house. When my kid misbehaves I gently remind him of the brothers & sisters that came before him that are no longer part of the family.
[1st day as an animal researcher]
*tagging a bear*
Me: you’re it
[Invention of the airplane]
Wilbur: We’re ready
Orville: I’m still skeptical about this working
Wilbur: Hey, do you want to fight the moon or not?
Orville: *angrily making a fist* Let’s go
In an alternate universe, an alligator is wearing a shirt with a tiny picture of me sewn on it.
5: Grandma told me a secret.
Me: Grandma knows you aren’t supposed to keep secrets from Mommy.
5: Ok, I’ll tell you. She said you make the worst food ever.
Me: I have a few secrets to tell you about Grandma.
[after sex]
Her: *lights up smoke*
Me: *unwraps toothpick*
Dear Abby,
I told my husband I didn’t want a grilled cheese when he was making one and now I want a grilled cheese. What do I do?
If I was a baseball coach, I’d argue with umpires about subjective reality, stressing we can’t be sure the game is actually even happening.
I don’t care who dies in the movie but it better not be the dog.
[wedding reception]
BEST MAN: *making a toast* please raise your glasses
CLARK KENT: oh no
If you pedal backwards on a Peloton, fried chicken appears in the cup holder.
It took 14 years, but 14’s feet finally stopped growing and now I’m rolling in so much shoe money.
Me: Are these garbage bags of yours super strong?
Clark Kent: What? No just regular strong ones here haha nothing super about ‘em *nervously adjusts glasses*
Hotel California reviews
⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
“Such a lovely place”⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
“Plenty of room. Excellent check out”⭐☆☆☆☆
“Can’t leave”
Were those thousands of turtle lives worth the life of one stupid, spoiled Princess with a strange fetish for Italian plumbers?
In order to catch herpes…
You need to think like a herpe.
[Million dollar idea] : Spaghetti Sauce colored Tupperware.
I’m trying to get a rotisserie chicken home before it gets cold I don’t have time for suspicious lights in the sky
Interviewer: what would you say if I said you talk too much.
Me:
Interviewer:
Me:
Therapist: Tell me something that keeps you up at night.
Me: my husband’s snoring
Therapist: let me rephrase
I hate it when you accidentally pick off a bit of dead skin on your lip and you can’t stop until you’ve peeled your entire face off.
Money can’t buy me Love, but it buys having someone else wash my hair…
People in the bar at closing time are kinda like samples at Costco.
Both seem so much better before you take them home.
[high school reunion]
“Hey aren’t u the kid who used to lie and throw people under the bus all the time?”
No that was Tyler.
it was hard being a teenager with the last name لزيق i mean stalk one guy and you’re لزيقة for the next three years
As a new homeowner, I was excited to learn how to do carpentry, plumbing and electrical work. And now that I’ve destroyed it, does anyone want to buy a house?
[landlord walks in apartment]
“I told you no pets!”That’s a stray gerbil.
“And those fish??”
…stray fish. SHOO FISH, SCRAM
if i die wearing my guy fieri fire shirt will i be camouflaged in hell
Alfred: About your girlfriend Catwoman…
Batman: Yes, she’s a thief, but-
A: No, she pooped on the rug again. Right next to the litter box!
I’m beginning to suspect this fat phase isn’t a phase