If you don’t win at least 3 made up arguments in the shower, are you even clean?
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my kid wanted me to play but i was tired so i told her to make a friend so she drew a face on a balloon and named him green greevy and now i have to get him snacks too and thats how i got played by a four year old
FINANCIAL ADVISOR: let’s back up for a second
ME: what’s wrong
FINANCIAL ADVISOR: did you just call it dude diligence
Women are from Venus, men are wrong.
My 8 year old daughter hasn’t stopped talking in 32 years
Until the day I die I will think of the 90s as 10 years ago
The only occasions in which I will run:
– Zombie apocalypse
– Salma Hayek is handing out all-you-can-eat baby back ribs
I’m not religious, but if someone is turning water into wine, let’s take a second look.
If you spotted a white guy with headphones throwing gang signs on the subway today, that was just me listening to the soundtrack of Frozen
Doctor: Have often do you have sex?
Me: Once or twice
Doctor: A week?
Me: I’ve answered, let’s move on
Shout out to whoever scheduled Valentine’s candy to show up just as we’re all giving up on New Year resolutions.
reporter: “what inspired your theory of gravity”
isaac newton: “i fell off the toil-”
agent: [leans into mic] “an apple hit him on the head”
making baked potatoes in the oven is fun because they’re either ready in 30 minutes or 147hrs
I still think “nonfungible” sounds like it means “cannot be turned into a mushroom”.
In Australia, pineapple upside down cake is called pineapple cake.
Every man wants a smart woman until he wants to win an argument.
My phone has been on silent since 2015 but will still check to see if it’s my phone if I hear a phone ring in public
Then:
Me: I want McDonald’sMom: Do you have McDonald’s money?
Now:
Mom: I want grandkidsMe: Do you have grandkids money??
boss: WORKING HARD OR HARDLY WORKING?
me: HAHAHA[later]
cw: WORKING HARD OR HARDLY WORKING?
me: literally never talk to me gary
Subway Guy: Enjoy your sandwich
Me: You too!
Subway Guy:
Me:
Me: *gives him my sandwich* this is yours now
my retirement plan is braless
H: I feel like you are ignoring me
M: trust your feelings
Little know fact but Michael Phelps was conceived anally. He’s just that good of a swimmer.
Oh, you like astronomy? Name all the stars.
If we weren’t able to stop Bieber Fever I seriously doubt America can stop an Ebola epidemic.
Three men are on a boat
They have four cigarettes but nothing to light them with.
So?
So they throw one cigarette overboard and the boat becomes a cigarette lighter.
*Closes refrigerator door and hears contents inside fall*
Well… sounds like a problem for the next person.
[1st time eating a lemon] this orange is angry
Me: I’ve installed a sensor to let me know when there’s any social awkwardness in the air
Michael Cera:
Sensor: *bursts into flames*