One a scale of keystone light to jaeger how drunk are you sir?
PANCAKE
ok I need you to step out of the car
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Human: your name is Flipper
Dolphin: (angerly) uh ok, HAND
Don’t “pshhh” me, you stupid bus.
*trimming the tree
Tree: K, but I wanna keep the length.
Whomever receives my blood, coagulations. Fastest indicator will be the unnatural pull to mustard pretzels.
It takes my husband longer to choose a rental car online than it did for us to choose the names for our sons.
Her: You smell like alcohol.
Me: awww, you smell lovely too.
Cute guy: Can I pet your dog?
Me: (several blocks later) I have soft hair too. 🙁
waiter: our special is only $7.99
mechanic: i’m a mechanic.
[seconds later]
waiter: my guys in the back’re telling me the special’s actually going to be about $235 and some change.
mechanic: that’s too much.
waiter: *sucks air through teeth* they’ve already started on it.
imagine being a rooster and just completely losing your shit over the sun rising.
[Cop questioning suspected watermelon thief]
COP: *squints* Was it you?
GIRAFFE (who has watermelon-sized bulge halfway down his neck): Nope
“I’m gonna put this somewhere safe” is an ancient incantation that opens a portal to a random point in another timeline, through which all safely kept things travel, never to be seen again.
Boeing apologizes for miscalculating how many of you they could kill cutting corners before everyone got all mad
Who called it condensed milk instead of mk?
I am also baked goods
My wife went into labor this morning and I was excited until I saw that it’s somebody’s birthday on FB that I didn’t like.
Apparently, we have unique tongue prints, just like fingerprints.
So quit licking my windows. I can find out who you are.
Had a yard sale to raise some much-needed cash. I really miss that yard.
do horses think humans are hats
When I see a job ad that doesn’t have salary listed I send them a resume with my whole work history redacted
You can’t ban me from your neighborhood just because I “look scary” and “want to kill you.”
That’s discrimination.
Please donate 30$ to my child’s school funrun so she can get a pencil as a prize, thank you
The most disappointing moment of my adult life was when I found out a vaporizer is an e-cigarette and not a death ray that vaporizes people.
YOUTH 1: lol
YOUTH 2: wtf
YOUTH 1: lmao
YOUTH 2: ikr
ME [trying to fit in]: obgyn
I’m thankful for cell phones because carrying around 85,626 photos of my dog in my wallet wouldn’t be easy.
My son cuddled up to my bump and was talking about how he could see the baby and it would have been cute if I were pregnant.
Credit Card Company: Yes sir, I see the bogus charges. We’ll take care of that.
Me: And…the other thing?
Credit Card Company: No sir, just because they tried to steal your identity doesn’t mean they are willing to take your kids.
LADY: this spaghetti is a little overdone
SERVER: you’re a DOG
My bank called me for suspicious activity on my account & I was like “no, I went out last night”
Cheese is plural because you never eat just one chee
Ad guy: okay how do we sell the frosted flakes
Ad guy 2: what if there was a big handsome tiger you just wish would hold you in his arms
Ad guy: …hey Tom, how are things at home
Ad Guy 2: [tearing up] they’re great