“Over my dead body” doesn’t mean “no.” It means I get to do what I want and as a bonus I get to kill you.
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Her: THAT IS NOT A FANCY WATER FOUNTAIN
Me: *pulling my head out of a bidet* what?
Her: Put your finger on it!
Me: Like this?
Her: Oh yeah, I can finish now!
-Making the perfect bow
Genie: ok, this is your last wish
Me: Could you speak up a bit?
Genie: YOU IDIOT!
FRIEND: Women want guys who take charge
ME: ok
[later]
WAITER: [to date] Ready to-
ME: [shoves waiter and grabs notepad] Ready to order?
Go ahead, criticize my overprotective parenting but no gorillas were shot on my watch.
On Christmas Eve remember to take a Lexus out for a 24-hour test drive and park it in your neighbor’s driveway with a giant bow on it.
[first guy to be sent to hell]
guy: so it’s just you and me?
satan: yup
guy: damn
satan: *kicks rock with cloven hoof* yup
guy: i really hope more shitty people die soon
satan: *sigh* yup
nothing kills high school nostalgia faster than a scroll down your facebook feed
friend: make her feel wanted
me: okay
[later]
me: *tossing photo at table of bounty hunters* this is your target
[World War One]
Private Hitler: “How can I make this more about me?”
[Ad shows dude getting out of bed before noon on the weekend]
*professional stuntman do not attempt*
“OH GOD! OH GOD! OH GOD! OH GOD! OH GOD!Damn these thin walls. Don’t know if my neighbors are having sex, praying or having a coronary.
My best relationship advice: Make sure you’re the crazy one.
Who needs a bull in a china shop when you have a 2-year-old contemplating Grandma’s figurine collection?
Never bring your fists to a knife fight. Never bring a knife to a gun fight. And whatever you do, stay far, far away from a fight between two geese.
i hate when google maps keeps rerouting me to the faster route that goes thru traffic. i know my route is longer google i made this choice for my mental health
Sorry for getting political on here but a hungry hungry hippo wouldn’t eat marbles. It would eat your head.
911: 911
me: I think my smoke detector is broken
911: is there smoke?
me: how would I know?
911:
me: 911 how would I know?
[electric chair]
“Any requests for your final minutes?”
“Yeh, I want the last episode of Lost explained.”
*acquitted on a technicality
4: Mama, I’m not feeling so good.
Me: What’s wrong baby girl?
4: I haven’t had spaghetti for so long my stomach misses it. Listen, *puffs up belly* you can hear my tummy cry.
I like to say thank you to my server when he arrives with the water, then again while he’s pouring the water, then another time when he hands me the glass full of water, and then one final time when he’s walking away
Silence is golden. Unless they’re in the shower and you can’t find their phone.
In that case, silence is very very suspicious!
No, autocorrect, switching “generics” to “gerbils” in the message I sent to my doctor without proofreading first was actually extremely helpful, thank you for that.
i remember as a kid being like “Wow as an adult i’ll be able to buy as much candy as i want whenever i want” which turned out to be completely true and as amazing as i imagined
“i used to live in india, now I live in indiana”
“is there a difference?”
“na”
DOG 911: what’s ur emer-
DOG: A FURRY THING IS BEHIND ME
DOG 911: can you bite it?
DOG: I CAN’T SPIN FAST ENOUGH
DOG 911: OMG
DOG: OMG
Me: Pikachu, I choose you!
Pikachu: The restraining order says 500 feet
My one neighbor just said Supposingly and my other neighbor responded with Supposably..
I’ve hid both their bodies
the dark web is just a goth google.