just overheard a guy walk into the bathroom and say “showtime” to himself as he sat down on the toilet
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My Fitbit was delivered today. It’s still sitting in the mailbox because I don’t want to walk all the way out there.
Apollo: everyone in favour of hunting the cyclopes, say aye
I get home late, dead tired, & see my name in big, bloody letters on the bedroom wall – & I’m like, nope, I will deal w/ THIS in the morning
7: My teacher gave me a Christmas card but it’s cursed
Me: That… seems strange
7: That’s how they used to write in the olden days
Congratulations, Americans who write “Cheers” at the end of e-mails. You’ve found something even more pretentious than “Sent from my iPhone”
Internal monologue during wedding vows: *Did she just say ‘resistance is futile’?*
Dear twitter thank you for telling me it’s not my fault……but wtf
I say “Mmmmhmmmm” to 99% of the questions my kids ask me until I notice them looking horrified and then I go, “Wait! What??? NO!”
One minute she’s saying “put yourself in my shoes” and the next it’s all “well you’ve gone and ruined them now, you idiot”
Went to Target to look at discounted Christmas stuff but apparently it’s Valentine’s Day now.
I walked into a pub with my wife..
The Bartender asked: Would you like a drink for your wife?
I said That sounds like a fair swap
I’m at my parenting best when I randomly yell out “be careful!” every few minutes without looking up from my phone.
Daughters wanted to show support for me so they wrote out, “I LOVE D!” and – adore them – but THAT’S gonna get an immediate course correction
I’ve got a great sense of humor *closes eyes and tilts head slightly upward* yes. there is humor nearby. 40, no, 50 yards from here
My 4yo just saw two people french kissing on TV and asked me why they were “eating each other,” so I’m open to suggestions here.
Raise the roof!
The roof is on fire!
Hit the club!
Bust those moves!
Burning the dance floor!– RL partying sounds so violent
“Don’t judge a book by its cover” is the worst advice ever.
That’s literally where title is. And the description. All the information about the book besides the actual story is ON THE COVER.
My son ran away again, but it gets worse. He changed the wifi password before he left.
me: my pasta salad is cold
waiter: it’s meant to be
me: I think you’re cute too but let’s get this pasta problem figured out first
The lengths my ex will go to in order to make me jealous are astounding. Like getting married and having a kid. IT’S NOT WORKING, JANET
Friend: you’ve been acting weird ever since you won that hundred dollars
Me: what ever do you mean, old sport?
Why isn’t Yosemite pronounced like Vegemite?
It looks like the world forgot to take its meds again.
I accidentally complimented only one of my kids and their sibling lost their mind. As any parent knows, ice cream resolves this situation, but you should give the kids some too.
*Killer sneaks into my house to murder me but sees me practicing karate w/ my big stuffed dog I won from the carnival and changes his mind*
Divorce is never funny. Unless it’s happening to your ex who got engaged six weeks after you broke up.
Ranch is mayonnaise with sprinkles.
Having a dark sense of humor is great, until you make a joke in front the wrong crowd and get looked at like you just killed their cat.
I dinated blood today. I have typo blood.
what if your teeth were naturally flaccid and got hard when you got hungry