Called in, “I can either stay home today and learn to play this accordion or bring it in with me. Your call.”
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*throws a dead pigeon at jerk who cut me off in traffic*
Wife: Hun, I don’t think “flipping the bird” means what you think it means.
angel: whatcha making?
god: *plugging a snake into an electrical outlet* eel
I took a girl back to my flat.
“You haven’t removed many bras have you?” she sighed.
“What gave it away?”
“The scissors, mainly.”
ME: lately I feel lonely. like I’ve become untethered from the world
WOLF WHO IS WEARING MY FRIEND’S FACE AS A MASK: *understanding growl*
Schröedinger: And so it is impossible to determine whether the cat is alive or dead
Possum: *yelling from the back of the room* AMATEUR
I would explain it to you but I’m all out of puppets and crayons.
I was on a search party in the forest last night.
Bit of a boring party.
We found a dead guy though.
The AC guy is coming tomorrow and I expect him to fix all of my typos
Peeing in the dark like some kind of pilgrim because you’re at someone else’s house and can’t find the light switch
I haven’t showered I’m wearing my clothes from yesterday I will undoubtedly run into someone I know at the store as I run in for milk.
I can’t shop there because I don’t understand their parking lot.
Me: *shares irrefutable and well known fact that no one has dared question in the history of the entire world*
5 year old: No it isn’t
Just gonna drink light beers today because I don’t wanna get drunk but I do enjoy peeing 37 times.
Han: Leave us alone, you fat slug!
Jabba: *speaks Huttese*
C-3PO: The mighty Jabbs says your words are hurtful. He has a thyroid problem.
[12 hours without eating]
Maybe Hannibal Lecter was just really hungry
I don’t understand “standing desks.” Why take away the only good thing about a desk?
My wife didn’t post an essay thanking our kids for making her a mom on Facebook and now child services is on the way.
A man approached me at a bar and tried to woo me with burritos. This is next level genius.
My kids can’t find any clean clothes because they packed them all for a trip. We leave in 5 weeks
you: *finger guns*
me: *collapses*
you: *thinking im dead, lowers your finger guns*
me: *quickly rolls on my side, points my finger guns at you*
you: *freezes*
me: *unbuttons my shirt to reveal a finger-proof vest*
you: *starts to raise your finger guns
me: *finger guns*
DR: your IQ test results are abysmal
ME: is… is that good?
Married with Children was much funnier on TV.
interviewer: why do u want this job
me: i love health insurance
Me: Hello darkness my old friend
Darkness: please stop calling me that. My name is Susan
Pickled cat.
the girl i’m seeing is absolutely dune-pilled after i got her to watch part 1 the other night. i told her i have commitment issues and she said “fear is the mind killer.” what have i done
A lady just told me that the theatrical release of “Cats!” is what caused the pandemic, and I want to argue, but I can’t.
Me – I can’t find the sea salt.
Wife – It’s next to the paprika.
Me – No it isn’t.
(she comes in to look, a bottle of sea salt magically appears right next to the paprika)
stealing a sock from the laundry: easy. childish. been done many times before
stealing a sock directly from the human’s foot: brave. daring. immediately in the history books
[broken down submarine]
captain: we only have two hours of oxygen left
me: [holding 43 balloon animals] one hour