My son left a package of cookies at my house then texted me asking me to not let anyone eat them.
So now I’m snapchatting him videos of me eating all his cookies and reminding him of all the times I asked him to do something and he didn’t.
You Might Also Like
I wish they’d stop turning movies into musicals and make them ice shows instead.
I’d pay good money to see “The Godfather on Ice.”
I’m missing the VMAs. Who’s losing? Is it music?
It was difficult as a kid raising two parents on my own.
If you are interested in me, now is the time to shoot your shot. My standards are incredibly low.
“Should I vomit at 1am or 3am? Maybe both.”
[after my funeral]
Someone: hey remember in the Neverending Story when Artax the horse was in the swamp of sadn—
My disembodied spirit: NO. Still too soon.
Calling in sick cuz I got the zoomies and gave myself a concussion
Who called it a “backpack” and not, “the sexiest way to deliver bees to an ex.”
15000 CCTVs 2b installed in Delhi 4r Obama’s visit.
This is ridiculous. Just because he’s black doesnt mean he’ll steal anything. Racists!
[eating dinner]
wife
me
wife
me [wearing 8 Burger King crowns] If they didn’t want you to take more than one there’d be a sign
wife
me
wife
Police: I’m afraid you’ve been the victim of identity theft…
Me: FINDERS KEEPERS NO TAKE BACKS
Homebuyers tip: Bring a little ball to the open house and place it on the floor. If it rolls on its own, then either the house is not level (bad) or the spirit of a young child haunts the property (depends).
I’m shaking my hands to get my nail polish to dry and now this deaf guy outside wants to know how the story ends.
I’m freakin’ tired of wrapping these sheep around my neck
– The inventor of the scarf
Does anybody know what the word ‘delegate’ means? (Asking for a friend)
The auto parts store is like ‘get our free app’ as if I’m buying parts everyday. I only need this one thing.
HER: I can’t be with a guy who thinks he’s Optimus Prime
ME: I can change Becky
HER: promise?
ME: into a semi truck
Day 4. They suspect nothing.
*puts on sports bra*
Well, that’s enough exercise for today…
Genie: “You have three wishes.”
Me: “I wish for a burrito with guacamole.”
Genie: “Okay but the guac counts as your second wish.”
If you add the word “extraordinaire” to your job title you kick up your credibility another notch and earn your colleagues trust and respect without even trying.
The heat has gotten so bad on the East Coast that it’s now routine to see large men wiping their brows with slightly smaller, drier men.
When I’m mad at my dog, I watch dog shows on Animal Planet and ignore him.
My boss told me I look tired, so now I call her mom.
There are days & nights where I’m surrounded by profound Darkness, followed by a realisation that I need to stop wearing shades in my house.
Describing dead people as late feels unfair. Rigor mortis makes it difficult to be on time.
Mufasa: you have forgotten who you are, what is wrong with you?
Simba: you could have appeared any time to tell everyone you were murdered? wtf is wrong with YOU?
Mufasa: this isn’t about me, now go
f i g h t m y b r o t h e r *evaporates*
Me: I hit the ejector seat and sent her through the roof by accident
Cop: you’re under arrest. I’m taking you to jail
Me: let’s take my car
I got plans this weekend. Release the sundresses!!!!