There was a time, a new hip joint meant someplace I would go to on weekends.
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Dance like nobody’s watching.
Do the dishes like nobody’s watching.
Change into that robe like nobody’s watching. No, the other one.
I was having a political fight with someone on Twitter while my dog was out back barking at the wind.
Then we switched.
God: you hate the moon.
Wolf: why?
God: he stole your girlfriend.
Wolf: I have a girlfriend?
God: not anymore.
Wolf: because the moon-
God: -stole her yes.
Wolf: I hate the moon.
God: I know.
Wolf: I just miss her so much.
God: let it out.
Wolf: [takes a deep breath]
My parents are happily celebrating their 50th anniversary. “That will be you and me one day,” I quietly whisper to the gym membership I can’t cancel.
This kid’s parent is the WORST at taking pictures lmfaooo
A hearty round of applause for Starbucks, please.
Quick new parent question at what age do you let your new baby start sleeping indoors?
I can’t afford a vehicle with wing doors, so I buy the Tupperware with lids which open that way.
*puts on pickle costume*
*gets stuck in pickle costume*
*calls friend*
Could you please help me?
I’ve gotten my myself into a pickle.
i dont really try to ‘make’ ‘friends’ on twitter im more like a wild deer and if you interact with me enough i may become accustomed to your scent enough to eat a carrot out of your hand
Teen daughter: What? Why are you looking at me that way?? You’re all squinty and judgy.
Me: I just took my contacts out.
I realize how this looks, but that guy’s neck was already like that when I got here.
So, on July 4th, one of the hottest days of the year, we’re all going to sit outside of our air-conditioned homes and cook over a fire?
interviewer: and how many years of experience do you have being a sandwich?
I’ve carefully avoided a running injury all these years by never running.
wait wait WAIT!! Chicks are selling used panties on Craig’s List?! You’re telling me I don’t have to do the laundry AND I’m making money?!
I’ve been doing life all wrong.
Hitchhikers won’t kill you if you kill them first.
I’m happy with it shorter, the ladies seem to like it that way.
-me to my barber
[first day working as a librarian]
ME: shhhhhhhhhhhhhh
HR MANAGER [annoyed]: as I was saying
Pay no attention to the man behind the crouton!
My blow up doll has started wheezing and she’s loosing weight rapidly. Getting very concerned.
PORCUPINE LAWYER: I object, your Honor! He’s badgering the witness!
BADGER LAWYER: Your Honor, he’s being a prick!
SKUNK JUDGE: [slamming gavel] Odor! Odor in the court!
How to make her squirt: make sure she is a lime
I spent the entire day yesterday freaking out and preparing my house for a monsoon and flooding from a storm that never came so if you need me I’ll be writing strongly worded tweets to local meteorologists.
A movie where two people finally kiss and all their friends cheer in the background because just behind the kissing people two swans are fighting brutally
They put rubber bands on lobster claws to prevent them from being on their phones all day.
[TRYING TO IMPRESS NEW GIRLFRIEND]
‘Oh yeah, I love to cook!’
*removes salad from the microwave
I knew she’d be trouble the minute she walked into my office, stumbled, knocked over the hat rack, then somehow got her feet entangled in my trench coat and, arms whirling like propellers as she tried to stay upright, sent my bourbon bottle flying, which spilled and ignited, then
I never picked my nose. I was born with it.
Me: *coughs*
*coughs again*Husband: Are you ok?
Me: Yes.
*secretly opening the last sleeve of thin mints I don’t want to share*