today a younger coworker was trying to think of the name of a singer from the olden days and yup anyway the person she was trying to remember was Mariah Carey
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My neighbor said “I don’t watch football so I don’t know who Taylor Swift is, but he sounds fast.”
Make your enemies super uncomfortable by showing up to the rumble with an elderly friend
My family doctor says “you really need to lose weight,” and my witch doctor says “moh ki kaa raa.” I think I’ll just moh ki kaa raa tbh.
i watch horror movies on the toilet so i can be scared shitless
My parents are replacing their coffee machine, which is 7 years old.
Me: that’s not that old, I have sheets older than that.
Mother: well perhaps your sheets aren’t getting as much action as our coffee machine.
I’m going to need an ambulance.
My new erotic novel “Love in the time of autocorrect” will be out soon. Here is a sample
Headline: “Female-named hurricanes kill more than male hurricanes because people don’t respect them, study finds”.
AKA, “My eye is up here”.
[10,000 BC]
Primary cause of death: Eaten[Now]
Primary cause of death: Eating
Suddenly had the urge to lay on the floor and do stomach crunches.
Then I found some bubble wrap and that urge went away.
Spy balloons monitor our skies and our psyche
Daughter’s math homework: Provide an example of
a) a real number
b) an imaginary numberDaughter:
a) the number displayed on Dad’s bathroom scale
b) the weight listed on his driver’s license
The 8yo disrupted my sleep again, so I texted my mom at 2AM to ask when it stops.
My husband and I are looking for someone to whistle show tunes while we have sex in our hot tub. Serious inquires only, please.
[at a dinner party]
Me: I saw a UFO once
Wife: It was a frisbee
Me: At the park
Wife: Frisbee
Me: I took a pic
Wife: Of a frisbee in the air
Me: *shows pic*
Friend: Looks like a…
Wife: Frisbee
“Ooh January’s been going on so long, when will it end?” Well now it has and what have we got? February. Well done you idiots
I don’t have kids, so at night, my dogs lovingly place shards of bones instead of Lego’s on my path to the restroom…
“Valentine’s Day is overrated and presents aren’t necessary to show love”
– *people who don’t get anything for Valentine’s Day
*me
Badger: I’m your Guardian Angel
Me: A badger?
B: They ran out of good ones
M: ..K
*I walk toward an oncoming car*
*Badger tears my face off*
DATE: So tell me about yourself
ME: My brain sturdy like large oak table
DATE: Ok
“Make good choices,” I say to myself, as I choose a small plate to make a towering pile of nachos on, instead of a large plate.
[looking at flocks of squawking crows]
We have to stop these senseless murders
It went from “Oh, you guys really want to get to know your mom” to “Why are you asking me all these questions?” to “Which of my accounts are you trying to get into?”
tums is missing out on selling pumpkin spice flavored antacid and calling it autums.
What will you contribute to the fight during the coming zombie apocalypse?
I will contribute a drawer full of Whataburger ketchup packets and McDonald’s hot mustard packets.
So, I assure you, you will want me on your zombie fighting team.
*Paul Ryan watches a children’s hospital explode*
Hhhhmmm, an affordable source of heat and light
*scrolls ur TL*
*finds ur tweet from 2 yrs ago.*
*eerily similar to mine from day before*“She stole my tweet AND built a time machine?!”
“Just make sure Nazis NEVER march with tiki torches. I’m trying to save Germany, not Gilligan’s Island.” — Hitler’s last words
Them: I’m not getting that vaccine! I don’t know what’s in it.
Me: Have you ever eaten a hot dog?
{The purge}
GUY MURDERING ME: It’s “purge.” It’s a soft g.
ME: The purg. I feel like I’m saying it.
GUY: No, it’s “purge.” You’re saying it like “iceberg.”
ME: Purg.
GUY: *Getting increasingly frustrated* Say iceberg.
ME: Iceburge.
ME: do you have any specials
PHARMACIST: what