Me: Hey Mom!
My mom: Oh haha I get that all the time
Me: Wha-
Definitely my mom: *walking away from me* Just one of those faces, I guess!
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HEY CALEB- YOUR COW IS INFERTILE AND YOUR SISTER LIKES DANCING.
-Amish trash talk
[commercial for Facebook]
*man sits in tree, watching friends from high school through binoculars*
“Don’t you wish there were a better way?”
There is a mosquito that has been trailing me for two days. I’ve swatted and clapped but it has proven to be the stronger of us both. It’s time to give in to my place on the food chain
Strangers pay me a lot of money to give them advice but let me try and tell my teenager one single thing and it’s an automatic, “You don’t know anything.”
I find it most unfair that the dentist in this neighborhood hands out toothbrushes for Halloween but the pharmacist doesn’t hand out drugs.
My reaction to being on a flight with a lot of kids is that I really wish they made light up theme sneakers in my size
Do you like Taco Bell? Then you’ll LOVE real food!
establish dominance at a funeral by crying first
before 2018 ends, I’d like to apologize to the guy who parked too close to me at the Family Dollar. Sorry for leaving that note on your car, I did not mean those things I wrote about your mother
Doctor: do you exercise?
Me: oh yeah I do all of them, the push-offs, plonks
Doctor:
Me: cronchies
Doctor: I’m gonna put no
Me: ok
Taking a risk in my 20s: Skydiving
Taking a risk in my 30s: Throwing out a box of cords
Strange how FB doesn’t automatically add the enemies of your enemies as your friends,
If Die Hard isn’t a Christmas movie why do I spend the holidays hiding in the vents of my workplace?
When I undress there is a radiant shower that falls. Not of money or glitter, but of dog hair.
Doctors, soldiers, firefighters. These are all respected positions. But the position I respect most as a parent
Is a driver’s Ed instructor
No thanks, body wraps. If I believed magic would make me thinner, I’d eat a wizard.
*starts the “Fight Fight Fight” chant in the background of the conference call as two people argue*
if you were born before 1996 you are a millennial
if you were born after 2005 you are gen z
if you were born in between then you are an honorary member of the black eyed peas
Her: What’s something you’ve never told anyone?
Me: I think ravioli should be an appetizer at restaurants
Her: Like something naughty though
Me: I like to eat ravioli before my meals
Finally I have an excuse for getting fat, heard on radio about girl who been eating in her sleep … That’s it, I’ve got that !
Unless the girl is hot, when she asks how I want my hair cut, I’ll say “In silence”
Cw: Ignorance is bliss
Me: Explains why you’re so happy
HR: It’s good to see you again
It’s kinda hot to know that Santa’s watching.
Therapist: So why are you guys here?
Me: I feel like we are having communication problems.
Him: This is our first date?
Twitter basically:
Person: “These socks are itchy.”
Other people:
“That’s not true. I have socks that aren’t itchy.”
“You shouldn’t generalize about socks.”
“Some people need itchy socks. Stop crapping on them.”
“First-world foot problems.”
“The real problem is shoes.”
Coworker: What are those chocolate coins you guys get on Hanukkah called?
Me: Gelt.
Coworker: Guilt?
Me: No, Jews get that all year round.
RIP Rose, you would’ve loved Let It Go
Confuse them by retweeting their worst tweet.
i want to try Dungeons and Dragons but you need more than 3 friends to even start?? that’s the hardest dungeon of all