me: for the story to progress, I really need to kill off some of the characters in the book I’m writing
my editor: but…you’re writing an autobiography??
me: 😏😏😏
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The ankle monitor stays on during sex, but only because it has to.
“Let’s make it very difficult to open while people are bleeding.”
– inventor of the Band-Aid
taking myself on a date tomorrow I really hope I put out
[1st date]
So, what’s your back story?
“I have scoliosis”
No, I mean your BACK STORY, like your history
“Oh! I got scoliosis as a child”
earth is the only habitable planet in the solar system. wow. feeling very lucky that it’s the one i was born on
Eating some turkey? Put gravy on it. Mashed potatoes dry? Try gravy. Headache? Shot of gravy. Depressed? More gravy. Lost a limb? Gra
[Putting on a fitted sheet]
Me: Dammit this is the short side.
Me: This is somehow also the short side.
Pulled a loose string on my dress by accident and now I’m naked
My husband thinks The Bachelor show is fake, they’re all there to be actors, and that it’s total bullshit.
Then he turned to wrestling.
I’m so happy that I got rid of my $250 cable so I can spend $500 on streaming services.
It’s so cute, whenever I sing along to an 80’s song, my kids ask me how I remember the words because I’m “so old”.
Wife: omg it’s happening
Me: what is?
*the lights go out, wind rattles the windows*
Wife: the baby is coming
Me: what?!
Wife: the baby is coming right now
Me: you’re not pregnant!
*door creaks open*
Wife: run
I’ve said some things, and if I could take them back I would, but if it’s not too late, I’d like my sub toasted
For sale: Baby, won’t stop selling its shoes.
The second date went downhill fast when I showed up with a scrapbook of our first date.
You’ve taken 3 pregnancy tests this month.
“What’s your point”
My point is that your shoplifting is odd and out of control Eric.
What idiot called it “home for the holidays” and not “an aunt infestation”
All I’m saying is Dorothy from The Wizard Of Oz has more confirmed kills than Willy Wonka.
Jeff Bezos going to space gives me a nervous feeling. Like what if something happens and he doesn’t stay there, you guys?
The neighborhood is having a meeting tonight about the creepy guy & I’m the only one not invited. Weird.
me as a teen: chapstick is stupid
me in my late 30’s: who the hell touched my recliner chapstick?!
[undoes GFs bra first time]
“wow have you been practicing?”
don’t be ridiculous
[me and dog exchange glances]
PSA: if it’s warmer than 71 degrees outside and we go to a restaurant, NO. we do not want a table outside. i will literally unfriend you in real life.
Judge: You have power of attorney?
Me:*curling two briefcases* Pfft. What do you think, bruh?
Say sliders to drugs
Say no to yes
I was swindled; step-counting doesn’t include when my memory is jogged
[first date]
Me: I collect taxidermy
Him: Really, taxidermy?
Me: It’s a family thing[later, at my place]
Me: Feel free to hang your coat on my stepmom
i have a playlist titled russian roulette which is composed of under pressure by queen like 10 times and ice ice baby by vanilla ice once
I’m not country but I did just stop my car on the side of the road so I could put three goats in the backseat to take home and cut my grass.
Kids: [not eating their chicken Alfredo I made them]
me: eat!
7: it’s not fair
10: yea
me: [eating a giant donut for dinner] what? IM AN ADULT.
5: poop head daddy.