My 12yo busted into our room with a Nerf gun. She made eye contact with her dad and really went for it. My husband was sitting with our 6yo. He immediately turned into a force field to protect her. I have so much respect for that man because I would’ve used our 6yo as a shield.
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I once asked for their policy on afternoon naps at a job interview.
…turns out they don’t like that.
A good friend is like a four leaf clover: sometimes you accidentally run them over with a lawnmower
Shakespeare: shall I compare thee to a summer’s day?
Me: sure
Shakespeare: okay. summer’s day > you
ufo crew: why are we hovering?
ufo captain: i wanna pet those dogs
ufo crew: why not land?
ufo cap: those talking monkeys are annoying af
Psychiatrist (swinging a pocket watch): You are feeling verrry sleepy…
Me: No shit, doc. I suppose next you’re gonna tell me I’m feeling sad and fat.
Hey kids, please don’t wash the 13 glasses you’ve already left in the sink. Just grab a clean one next time you’re thirsty.
“Adult assembly required” bro, how tf do you build an adult?
him: i will see you in court!!!
me: so, you admit we’re seeing one another.
A teacher grabbed my arm in the 3rd grade and pulled me to the back of the line. When I asked what I did, she said you know what you did. I’m 47 and I still don’t know.
My wife’s favorite position is where I’m bent over the kitchen sink doing the dishes.
You tell me to “walk a mile in your shoes” but the second I break into your house to steal your shoes, you call the cops. Make up your mind.
I was dressed and ready to go for a run an hour and a bag of Doritos ago.
Never carry too many grudges at once, make a few trips so you don’t throw your back out.
her: so do you have air conditioning
me: no, only fans
[God creating teenagers]
What’s the most expensive way to be ignored?
“Diarrhea” isn’t my official safe word but I guarantee you’ll stop whatever you’re doing if I scream it during sex.
Motherhood is complicated because we’ll share our whole body with our kids, but not our snacks. The Thin Mints are mine, bro.
the time my hedgehog fell into the Chuck E. Cheese ball pit
writers really said: what if homework… was a career.
i was baptized in a car wash
I can’t believe it’s so cold I have to wear gloves inside. I mean I’m not even robbing anything or trying not to leave fingerprints
If I was a Spice Girl I would be Mild to Medium Spice
One time a guy came up to me at a bar and said “do you like air conditioning” and I said “yea” and he said “me too.” and he just walked away. I miss him everyday
Sober or not if the police ask me to recite the alphabet backwards I’ll just put myself in the back seat of their car.
The next time kids ding door ditch you you have to run and chase after them and yell WHAT IF IM A CRAZY PERSON!!
You can say hello to ducks, even if you do not have a good history with them. I am a bear.
my uber driver watching me wander around the street aimlessly because i have no idea what a toyota crayola is
This Independence Day please remember that fireworks are not a toy, they are meant to be aimed at the nearest British ship.
ME: *grasping wife’s hand* omg he’s going to say his first words
WIFE: c’mon buddy you can do it
WAITER: can i get you two started with something to drink?
MY WIFE AND ME [excitedly]: d’awwwww