CW: What’s your favorite shellfish fantasy drama?
Me: Game of Prawns 🍤
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When a crab dies does it become a ghost in the shell
*handshake*
wow, soft hands! u must’ve never worked a day in ur life
[coming off a 9 hour shift at the Vaseline factory] “u dont know me.”
When I am president, it will be legal to grab the waists of slow and distracted pedestrians on cell phones and race them along.
Handing the bus driver a $50 bill and telling him “Just drive”.
When I’m horny, I stroll into rooms on all fours, with my ass shaking up in the air, meowing incessantly until someone throws a shoe at me.
power walking from my problems because running will draw their attention
I still have a landline. Or as I like to call it, Cell Phone Finder.
Me, at the edge of a cliff: HEEEEEEELP
My therapist:” EnjOy the mOment”
She ran her fingers through my hair and pulled hard. I wanted to ask her to do it harder – but probably inappropriate for the hair salon.
If you don’t fold the laundry, it won’t get folded. I know because I run this experiment weekly
Everyone knows the correct use of a comma when it comes to your bank account statements.
I want an HGTV show called “How Do You Like Your Open Concept Now?”
can we normalize arguing with little kids they’re so rude 😭
I’ve gone unverified for 5,000 years.
Why change now?
“It’s fine. I’ll get over it.”
TRANSLATION: I will remember every detail of what you did until I draw my last mortal breath.
Stick around after sticking around after the Thor 2 credits. Very realistic 3D of a theater manager telling you to leave.
I think when you get your photo taken for your driver’s license they should squirt you in the face with a water gun. Then your picture will have that annoyed and upset look to match when the cop pulls you over
[Commercial for condoms]
*a baby cries*
NARRATOR: Condoms
My husband has reached an age where he reads the menu out loud. The whole menu.
And then he has questions.
Please send help.
neighbor kid, play fighting: are you ready to taste pain?
my kid, mumbling under his breath: I’m ready to taste cheese
I thought this waitress was in love with me but then right in front of my eyes she started to bring other people food.
Me: that was easy, what was my time? 3 minutes?
Escape room employee: ma’am we’re gonna need you to replace this door
What doesn’t kill you makes you tired af holy shit
Prisoner:*strapped into chair* Flip the switch & fry me.
Guard: Oh, we’re not electrocuting you…
*college kid w/ acoustic guitar walks in*
Do mens sneezes get louder and louder as they age until they explode?
Interviewer: What’s your greatest strength?
Incredible Hulk:
Int:
Hulk: Is that a trick question?
DEATH STAR BARISTA: How do you want your coffee?
VADER: On the dark side.
DEATH STAR BARISTA: Debit? Cash?
VADER: Star bucks.
*getting escorted out of a Chuck E. Cheese*
Listen buddy,
This beer told me I could dance.
Breath escapes my broken body. I collapse amid dark, icy spears of pain. The fight’s done. It’s over.
GYM INSTRUCTOR: You’ve done 9 seconds
My neighbors have been listening to my kid’s favorite song over and over and over today. Whether they liked it or not.