Even though she’s not Native American, my Wife always sends smoke signals to let me know when dinner is ready.
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I would love to be British. Drinking my leaf water and staring at a huge clock from my red phone booth, adding extra letters to wourds.
Anyone: Hey, can I ask you a personal question?
Me: *sound of footsteps running away*
Pictionary is the perfect game to play whenever you need an excuse to punch your friend in the face.
Me: Hi, is this Chuck E Cheese?
How many kids do I need to have with me to be able to eat and play there?Chuck E. Cheese: Just one
Me: *opens door to white van* Get out Rebecca I don’t need you
There are plenty of fish in the sea.
There are also sharks, giant isopods, oil spills, Flight 370, and Somali pirates.
Cashier: How are you today?
Me: You too.
🤦🏻♂️
Doctor: Step on the scale.
Me, 1st pregnancy: With or without my shoes?
Me, 2nd pregnancy: With or without the jacket?
Me, 3rd pregnancy: With or without the rotisserie chicken?
I have never seen a single “when animals attack” video that I wasn’t rooting for the animal.
A group of held hands can raise your spirits.
It’s séance!
the prophecies have been fulfilled
Nobody ever mentions one of the greatest joys of being a parent is mocking your kids in an annoying voice, repeating what they whined about
A lady got off the train so I finished her crossword. Turns out she’d just gone to the toilet and now she’s back and she hates me.
gender reveal party:
-boring
-only 2 outcomes
-too much socializingfather reveal party:
-exciting
-many outcomes
-party may end early
H: where did you move after your divorce?
Me: On.
I moved on.
I’m only a vegetarian so people won’t invite me anywhere
I put the whiskey in another room …
Exercise regimen established.
pretty messed up how “what are you weaknesses” is an acceptable question in job interviews but not on first dates
“can i smoke in here?”
“sure go ahead sir”
“thanks”
*lights scented candle*
“can i scatter rose petals in here?”
“erm-
“can i dim the lights
HER: Promise you won’t overreact?
ME: Yes.
H: They said that you were a little dramatic.
M: Swirls cape and plays long organ chord. “Fools!”
I enjoy how fitbit tracks the calories I burn just by being alive. I like getting credit for that.
5 just handed me the household nunchucks and said, “here, you’re in charge now.”
One thing twitter has taught me is that someone, somewhere in the world is thinking exactly the same thing you are.
“I only look sexy in contrast to a toilet” – People who bathroom selfie
*rookie cop notices splatter on the wall*
Looks like a hotdog defended itself here and lost.
Please continue finishing your text in the crosswalk, Mr. Pedestrian. It’s not like I’m driving a giant metal instrument of death.
me: hey siri
siri: (long, deep sigh) what
My brother-in-law: what’s your kittens names?
My 10yo: Jinx and Jingles.
BIL: Which one is the black one?
10yo: that one. *points to black kitten*
For my niece’s 7th birthday, I’m filling a pinata with a smaller pinata. When she breaks it open I’m gonna yell “Oh God! She was pregnant!”