Glad my dog is warning me about the child walking down the street catching snowflakes on his tongue. He seems sketchy.
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Pro is good and con is bad, so they should rename the Constitution to Prostitutio-oh, never mind.
Me: Today’s songs all sound the same. My generation’s music was the best.
Son: Yeah. “She’ll Be Coming Around the Mountain” was a real classic.
Me: you know how in movies someone is yelling at someone else and the sexuality of the exchange overtakes them and they start making out
Wife: yes why
Me: my boss fired me today
I’m having an orange at work, and the dogs keep looking at me like, “stop eating that ball, dude.”
to get my cat to eat, I tell him about all the hungry cats in Catfrica
6, pointing at her brother, crying:
He doesn’t want to play Barbies with me!
Me: None of us do.
Murderer: *murdering me*
Me: (unconvincingly) Oh… oh no… stop… I don’t… want to be late for work
I tried watching Inception with Twitter on. I still don’t know what Juno was doing in their dreams.
[before humans were invented]
animals: this is nice
I mean, if Marie Antoinette didn’t want her head cut off, maybe there should’ve been actual cake.
~ Why I was kicked off the debate team
The rats outside my apartment building are getting very bold. One of them just asked me for my number.
My wife asked why I spend more time preparing for fantasy football than I spent planning our wedding, and apparently that wasn’t the best time to explain my amazing draft strategy.
When my wife wants my opinion, she’ll give it to me.
I’m going to put out a cologne for men who like dad jokes
I’m going to call it Pungent
I gotta work tomorrow? like, my job??? I have had 17 straight days off you expect me to remember what it is I do for a living
“It’s hotter than a junkie’s spoon in July”
Excuse me, what kind of Florida metric system are we using now??
Boyfriend: you want to go see the new Star Wars?
Me: I LOVE STAR WARS
BF: which was your fav
Me: duh, Sorcerer’s Stone
My human just got off the phone and said to me, “You won’t be a happy kitty tomorrow.”
I’m suddenly having trust issues.
After checking my credit report, the realtor showed me a vast array of tents and fancy cardboard boxes in the woods.
At Fantastic Beasts & some nerds are in Hogwarts robes so I don’t know why they’re giving me the stink eye for my Wonder Woman outfit
I refuse to care about a royal baby in England while the Burger King remains heirless. Does no one remember the horrors of the Burger Wars
If you aren’t amazed by a plant showing up after you put a seed in the ground, we have nothing to talk about. Unless you’re like, really hot.
Lying dead in a closed coffin at my funeral, and yet somehow I still manage to spill mustard on my shirt.
Why doesn’t every mistake in real life I make have a squiggly red line underneath it?
Can a paleontologist explain to me why dimetrodons were so infatuated w/ yelling at the ocean?
Lied on my resume and said I could code. Boss asked me to take on a project. I paid a guy in Karachi $80 to do it overnight, then told my boss it would take a month.
We’ve done this four times now.
Your call is important to us, we’ll interrupt calming music every 30secs for the next 20mins to remind you that your call is important to us
I’m not saying I want a divorce, it’s just that sometimes 50% custody sounds pretty appealing.
Not me DoorDashing Taco Bell at 330am and messaging the driver “Please don’t ring the doorbell and wake people up. I don’t want to share.”
Say what you will about Kylo Ren, but you have to appreciate his Han die coordination.