What a year we’ve had this week.
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My mom said you have to love me and ask me out for Valentine’s Day
me: can i get some ketchup?
waiter: sir, this is a 3 michelin star restaurant
me: my apologies. may i please have some crème de tomato a la heinz
I have to ugly cry for the facial recognition to work.
It’s Election Eve, Not Election and Steve!
they split up moments later
if you take a selfie at a dad’s funeral, his hand will rise up out of the casket and give you bunny ears
Top killers of kids in the ’50s.
1. Abandoned refrigerators
2. Failure to duck and cover
3. Tasty lead paint
4. Playing around at the dinner table
Don’t you just hate it when you have a day off to relax by the pool and enjoy a well-stocked pantry but then your neighbour comes home early and threatens to call the cops?
For the love of God, what is Jesus saving? Is it coupons? I bet it’s coupons
Why did they think the horses would be able to reconstruct Humpty? They don’t have any engineering/surgery knowledge, or thumbs, for that matter.
I wonder if Pink’s parents are named Red and White.
Do you know what’s cooler than those fake chains around your license plate?
Everything. Every single thing in the world.
Animals who have bright colors and patterns in the wild are considered dangerous and shouldn’t be messed with.
*Updates work wardrobe to bright, loud colors and patterns*
gryffindor: i only want the bravest
slytherin: i only want the most cunning
ravenclaw: i only want the smartest
hufflepuff: WOW you guys are pretentious
“He sees you when you’re sleeping, he knows when you’re awake.” Santa is your cellmate.
[woken up by barking]
wife: oh god it’s an intruder!
me: sssshhh [listens carefully] no, it’s definitely a dog
Stop naming your dogs Bella.
We are full.
Friend: We adopted our dog one year ago.
Me: I always suspected that because it doesn’t look like either of you.
Remember that time you were reluctant to test my latest invention “amnesia pills” but did anyway?
“No”
excellent.
“I can’t wait to feel you between my thighs tonight,” I say to my new memory foam pillow, which has been helping realign my spine while granting remarkable relief from lower back pain.
Teenage Mutant Ninja Wordle
⬜🟩🟩🟩⬜
🟩🟩🟩🟩🟩
🟦⬛🟦⬛🟦🟦
🟩🟩🟩🟩🟩
🟩⬛⬛⬛🟩
⬜🟩🟩🟩⬜
There’s a deaf couple fighting in the car in front of me in this parking lot & I kinda want to stay & watch because their signs are getting bigger & more yelly
(Date)
ME: Watch this *ties cherry stem with tongue*
HER: *giggles*
1-UP WALLY: *places Rubik’s cube in mouth and pulls it out solved*
look. life is bad. evryones sad. we’re all gona die. but i alredy bought this inflatable boumcy castle so r u gona take ur shoes off or wat
Ever notice most Ford names are more fun to say when you put “anal” in front of them?
Probe, Explorer, Excersion, Ranger…
Hotline for families: 407-246-4357 #Orlando
if men were attracted to weird digestive gurgle noises I’d be having a whole nother kind of sex life
I get it garden box. If someone massaged me, gave me the best nutrients, plenty of water & let me rest in the sun, I would be capable of producing amazing things, too
People will tell you daughters are less gross than sons.
My daughters started a snail zoo. There are snails everywhere.
The only good thing about people who wear too much cologne is that they’re easier to set on fire.