IKEA is a great place to hear “Babe?” 10,000 times in one afternoon.
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My favorite thing about single people is how they champion being single till they like someone then they transform into a hypocritcalpotamus
My brother used, as wrapping paper, the €70 wallpaper that Mum had bought to redecorate rooms. Cannot cope ahahah
First Christmas argument underway.
My hometown is so charming. Everyone’s got the spirit animal of gum stuck under the diner table
I like to say I don’t hold on to anger but I’m also still pissed at that chick that came to my bat mitzvah and then didn’t invite me to hers.
Maybe the reason Miss Piggy is still single is she has a fear of kermitment
Wife: can you please rinse your hair off the soap?
Me: that’s not my hair.
Wife: then who’s hair is it?
Me: omg it’s a full moon.
Wife: so?
Me: *whispers* weresoap.
turned my music down and some guy in traffic yelled out THANK YOU
I’ve been standing here for 30 minutes and it hasn’t even moved.
A mechanical frog is called a ribot.
Sorry I haven’t said anything in a while
[ants at a Def Leppard concert]
*Pour Some Sugar on Me starts*
Ant 1: Oh hell yeah I love this one
Ant 2: Sugar is good for us and the queen
I got a shopping cart today with 4 working wheels, it was full of lingerie models and self confidence and I was dreaming
Son: *carrying damaged produce*
Me: Drop that sick beet!
ME: Michaelangelo painted the Sistine Chapel on his back?
GF: Yep
M: [2 hours later] How did he reach the bit between his shoulders?
Scuba instructor: Sharks can sense blood in a 2 mile radius.
*everyone turns to glare at me as I floss for the first time this year*Me: What?
Interviewer: Do you have any special skills?
[Me, attempting to remove stapled sheets of paper with a sword]: no
Chef: What kind of bread would you like? We have wheat, rye, white…
Me: Black bread.
Chef: We don’t have that.
Me: Racist.
Lawyers should get walk-up songs in court like how baseball players do
Hey, hey…calm down please. Stop crying. I think all babies are ugly, not just yours.
You could do like my granny does when she loses a pet. Sticks it in the freezer.
I almost thawed out poppy the parrot once thinking it was chocolate mint ice cream
I’d like to speak to America’s manager.
One day she says “Treat me like a princess,” the next she’s pissed that I married her off in exchange for an alliance with Spain. Women…
I respect every moose for having two giant high-fives growing out of his head.
7: Mom! Will you play Uno with me?? I already have it set up and I definitely didn’t look at the cards before!
Me: Well I’m convinced.
“I bring you news from the front, m’lord. Food bowls are empty, litter boxes are full, and the natives are getting restless.”
Movie Idea:
Lohan.
Bynes.
Statham.
DEATH RACE 2
OPEN UP. THIS IS THE POLICE. THANK YOU. CAN WE USE YOUR BATHROOM
School email said if we shop at a certain store a potion will be donated, and that sounds way more exciting than money
Welcome to parenthood. Have you ever wondered what it would be like if a day was 3267 hours long?
Me: okay yeah, cool Wu Tang shirt bro, bet you can’t even name one song.
6 month old baby: ……..
The only way I’d be invited to a dinner party is to be hunted by rich people for sport.