How does one answer this?
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If you’re wondering about who the oldest James Bond was, don’t google ‘old man bond age’
The early bird catches the worm. And the late bird catches one of the other trillion worms left. What’s your point?
For two years in high school, I took guitar lessons. Something interesting I learned is that guitar resale nets a 45% loss.
Some of you take selfies from so close up, I’m beginning to wonder if you’re a T-Rex.
Today my youngest has her “preschool graduation,” and oh, how I will try to control my tears*
*of joy that she will be in school full day come fall
May have had one breakfast too many
My dentist is a nice guy but he asks the dumbest questions. Um, yeah, I think I’ve heard of a toothbrush!
He died doing what he loved, waving a metal rod on a rooftop in a storm, yelling FU, GOD! Although he slipped & fell, Ted’s memory lives on.
The guy with the worst grades should get to give a graduation speech too. Let me hear both sides
My origin story is like Harley Quinn’s except instead of rising out of a tank of chemicals it’s instant mashed potatoes
Time traveling humans are always freaked out by culture changes
If a moose time travels it probably just finds a field to frolic in moosily
I need to find a way to politely tell the new girl that- how can I put this delicately?- aliens can smell her perfume in space.
I’ll stop wearing black when they make a darker color
ME: And now to test my greatest invention, the cowtapult!
COW: M
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The word “karaoke” comes from an old Chinese proverb meaning: “go home, you’re drunk.”
I keep trying to lose this last 180 pounds but he refuses to leave.
Me: Beetlejuice! Beetlejuice! Beetlejuice!
Bartender: doesn’t matter how many times you say it, we don’t have it
*knuckle tats*
( S | H | H | H) ( H | H | H | H )
(I’m a librarian)
My parents told me I could be anything I wanted so I became unacceptable
Backstreet Boys: Show Me the Meaning of Being Lonely.
Me: *slow dances with cats around a pot of mac & cheese*
The History Channel; because where else are you going to learn about how aliens were instrumental in the development of humanity?
Goth gf: this isnt working out. I think we should see other people
Golden Retriever bf: *started running in circles as soon as he heard the word Out*
I just dusted like 4 years ago this is bullshit
If you’ve ever asked yourself, “what if Cartman grew up and became president?”, well…
Hope my marriage can make it through another season of disagreement over the pronunciation of pecan.
Man to Psychiatrist; Dr I’m very depressed, all my 3 sons want to grow up and want to be valets.
Psychiatrist; This is the strangest case of Parking sons disease I’ve come across.
[enter password]
“dog”
[password must be longer]
“dachshund”
Negative pregnancy tests, because everyone loves good news on a stick
Nigella has gone too far this time.
Me: I’m going to be healthy
Breakfast: fruit
Lunch: sandwich
Dinner: salad
Midnight: large pizza, mac & cheese, a gallon of ice cream