The endings of Lost and Game of Thrones each cost me a television.
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Have you heard about a new sport called Quiet Tennis?
It’s like regular tennis but without the racket.
Gave money to a homeless man. A stranger lectured me on how he’s just going to spend it on drugs and alcohol..
Yeah, OK. Like I wasn’t.
Getting arrested must suck! Not only do you get arrested, you have to make a phone call!!
ME: [whispering]”Yes, 911? Someone’s breaking into my house!”
911: Stay calm. Do you have an address?
ME: “um no. I have on pajamas”
You can marry for love or you can marry for kidneys, but not both
The turkey is the luckiest one at the Thanksgiving table because it’s already dead.
[getting interrogated]
good cop: we just want to understand what happenedbad cop: SPILL IT, PUNK
passive aggressive cop: seems like you could help us pretty easily but whatever, you do you, it’s what you do best
what the hell pray for carter everyone
In my 20’s: why is eating healthy such a big deal anyways.
In my 40’s: oh.
[bank robbery]
“Todd, where the hell is the getaway car?”
TODD: *zooming up on a Segway* FOSSIL FUELS ARE RUINING THIS PLANET, GARY
One quality im not looking for in a potential partner is the ability to maintain a virtual farm
Back in my day, it was a game of dodge ball where you found out who didn’t like you.
gandalf: shadowfax, show us the meaning of haste
shadowfax: *holds up a dictionary with its front hooves* I can’t read
My 5-year-old is learning about exercise & endurance, but he keeps saying insurance. Yesterday, he asked me if you need good insurance when you run. I told him at my age, you had better.
Not to brag, but a mechanic at this garage says I may have set a record for miles driven without an oil change.
I fixed the internet, am tech genius
*turned the WiFi router off and on and now it’s working
i asked my mom why she was crying and she said because shes choping onions which is sad becuase as a young child she was adopted by onions
Me: Whatcha doing on the PC?
Daughter: Looking at peckers.
M: WHAT?!?
D: Science project on chickens.
M: Oh.
D: You walked RIGHT into that.
[Mom’s house]
Mom: I don’t know where that lovely framed photo of you went, dear, you know that one with the bouffant perm, oversized glasses, and braces
Me: *stuffing a frame-shaped object in the garbage* gosh, Mom, it’s a mystery
I hate it when people go round quoting the bible. I haven’t even read it yet, but somehow folks think it’s cool to give key plot points away
[kangaroo court]
Lawyer: I’m afraid my client has jumped bail.
Judge: Who is surprised by this?
Is there a class for just the karate noises?
If you think your microwave collecting data and the TV spying on you is bad enough…
The vaccum cleaner has been gathering dirt on you for years.
me when my kids won’t try their food: you might like it
me when my kids want to try my food: you won’t like it
34 year old male arrested for having sex with a clock in the middle of a Target®. now he’s doing time for doing time
Auto correct changed “absence” to “absinthe” and now my kid’s school won’t let me be on the PTA.
Mom, you really should have taken the time to fix your hair this morning.
-my son, asking to be taken out of the will
“Camping” – noun:
when you create a late night picnic for the hungry animals in a field with you being the meaty snack
Spam popsicles.
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