Marriage is for people who want their break ups to involve paperwork.
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I just don’t get life insurance. Why would I want to give my family a financial incentive to kill me?
guy: man it’s raining tigers and wolves out there
first guy to say “it’s raining cats and dogs”: oh it’s not nearly that much
Twitter announced today that they’ve lost 134 million dollars this year. I don’t know if they want us to look for it or what the deal is.
Me: Dishwasher’s broken.
16: I’m sorry.
Me: Did you break it?
16: No, I meant, like, “I’m sorry for your loss.”
Well, that should do it
I remember this one time I peed in the pool. The lifeguard yelled so loud I almost fell in.
If I’m eating at a restaurant and see a movie star, I always take a pen and paper over and ask “Will you pay for my meal?”
Nothing makes sex more awkward than realizing your kid is awake…
and standing outside your door…
and playing the harmonica.
Moms, teach your sons to mind their manners, cook a decent meal & look for inner beauty.
Dads, teach your daughters how to throw a punch.
[1st date]
Her: we should keep religion out of this
*religion gets up & leaves the table*
Me: see what u did? *I get up and chase after it*
I keep getting a message that “Twitter is having issues”
Good job guys…we drove twitter crazy!
*leans over uncomfortably close to you at a funeral*
“I get so drunk at these things. Who’s in the box?”
[criminal trial]
PROSECUTOR: *gives eloquent, convincing closing argument as to why my client is guilty*
ME: *holds up poster of prosecutor’s entire argument in the spongebob meme format*
JURY: lmao, not guilty
Oh Twitter is still here? Thank God, I have about 100 holiday puns saved in my drafts.
I’m about to make it rein, deer.
(Please don’t block me.)
My late grandpa may not have had much as a simple circus clown, but he sure left some big shoes to Phil
I wrote a book called “The Sun Also Rises” until I found out that Hemingway wrote a novel with the exact same title. So I changed mine to “The Sun Also Rises Too As Well”
Quote of the Day: “Life is but thought.” – Sara Teasdale
“ew what is that?” is my child’s adorable way of asking what’s for dinner
My brain knows that there’s a guy doing work on my roof today, but my nervous system keeps acting like the house is under attack.
Just had a 10 minute argument about the importance wearing pants in public with a 5yo
She won, today I wear pants when I take her to school
me: *stabs vampire*
wife: omg
me: *beats zombie to death*
wife: OMG
me: what
wife: ur supposed to give them candy
Them: sir there’s no food allowed in here.
Me: this is my service burrito.
Me: The older I get, the less I care who sees me naked.
Post office employee: Thank you for at least wearing the mask.
Who called it inspirational posting and not chicken soup for the scroll?
I apparently said “keratin” instead of “ketamine” when discussing treatment options with my psychiatrist, so the bad news is that I remain a terminal depressive, but wow, my frizz is really well controlled.
Flight attendant: all we’ve got to watch is air bud
Me: I know how windows work pal
If I don’t introduce you to the person I’m with it’s because I don’t remember either of your names.
“Couples don’t have enough things to disagree about.”
– Guy about to invent crunchy peanut butter.
My boyfriend’s boss is scared of getting the coronavirus so naturally she has decided that instead of finishing at 5:30 they will finish at 4:30, because as we all know the coronavirus only comes out after 5