Rasputin never died that day, as an immortal being. He hid for decades, before dropping the “Ras” and slipping back into Russian politics.
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if you believe in the butterfly effect, then you know that people who react slowly to green lights are responsible for everything.
Ditching twitter and becoming a LinkedIn influencer who only posts things like “Didn’t write a cover letter? Then you didn’t want the job.”
i’m taking care of a guys owl next week and he just sent me this list of rules. what the hell
Harry Potter Diss Track
Hey Voldemort, yeah I said your name.
You’re a dude in a dress, I’m Hall of Fame.
Avada Kedavra didn’t get the job done.
You got owned by a baby, it’s over I won.
You did kill my parents, it’s true I suppose.
all I can say is where the f*%k is your nose?
To increase profits, commercial airlines need to bring back legroom and snacks then start painting the planes really crazy because nobody wants to miss their chance to fly in a giant meatball sub with batwings.
Do Russia and Uganda realize if they put all their gay people in jail then jail will become the nicest part of their country?
I’m convinced that if Earth explodes all the cats will land safely on the moon, on their feet.
A nice way to tell someone their breath stinks, “well I’m bored,let’s go brush our teeth” in mid convo
My son’s impression of me is just him staring at his palm.
My 2yo loves to put hats on people, but you never know if it’s going to be an actual hat, a slice of cheese, an empty bowl, or his toy shopping cart.
My kid just tried to win an argument with “Because I said so” and I had to break it to him that only parents get to win by saying that.
*joins Buddhist monastery*
*withstands 21 years of brutal kung-fu training*
So, vending machine that didn’t drop my funyuns. We meet again.
It went from “Oh, you guys really want to get to know your mom” to “Why are you asking me all these questions?” to “Which of my accounts are you trying to get into?”
What word has the biggest disconnect between spelling and pronunciation?
Asking for our friend, Siobhan.
If you’re under the age of 25, you have no rights in saying: Back in the day.
You haven’t seen the light of day, kiddo.
just found out that some people don’t double click the tongs before using them. wtf
me: time to hit the hay
wife: you’re going to bed?
me: no i just really *clenches fists* hate hay
How to lose a gf:
Gf: which of my friends would be the most fun to have a 3some with?
Me: *names two of them*
Me: I’m here for my photoshoot
X-ray technician: Please stop calling it that
Explaining Jewish things to non-Jewish people makes you sound like you’re losing your mind. My little brother is getting married soon & had his “aufruf” & I repeated the word six times before being asked by my friend if I was barking at them.
captain: a lot of rumors floating around saying I sunk the ship
sailor: [clinging to a piece of the hull] please stop calling us rumors sir
Kraken: “I like to renew my tenancy.”
Landlord: “Re-lease the Kraken!”
#KrakenDay #RubbishDay
If your wife says “take out the trash” do not reply with “you cooked it you take it out.”
popsicle not seeing heaven 😭
Still waiting for the day I can illegally download groceries
My husband keeps texting me he loves me and that i’m hot, what a weirdo like calm down pal, we’re married
[turns up radio in the car]
Me: I love this song. I want us to conceive our first child to it
Hitchhiker: dude just drop me off here
[road trip]
My dad: Seatbelts? What seatbelts? Kids don’t need seatbelts.[hospital]
My dad: Concussion? What concussion?
[SPEED DATING]
HER: Hi, is this seat free?
ME: By all means.
HER: *drags chair across room
ME: WTF?
HER: *laughing, sits with another couple
Legacy implies the existence of armacy.