*just after death, I head toward a bright light*
ME: Jfc, do you have a dark mode?
JESUS: *sends me straight to hell*
ME: NoOoOoTtt liiiiiiiiiiiiKe
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I wonder how many other Sandy’s have come into men’s lives and taken their cars and houses, too.
Me: Well, well, well. Look who’s come crawling back
Baby: [pretends like she doesn’t hear my extremely witty comment]
Apparently, the new iPhone 13 Pro Max will help you lose weight pretty quickly..
..
..
..Because once you buy it, you won’t be able to afford food for 3 months !!
2 days ago I gained 800 followers in one day just for tweeting a cleavage pic
Unbooblievable
I should probably switch to water soon.
*A memoir
My sexual orientation is definitely Landscape. I dabbled with Portrait but my legs got tired.
BARISTA: what can I get you
ME: medium roast please
B: ok, your gray roots are getting obvious and you have the silhouette of a potato
M: *under breath* damn
The Turkey took our temperature before he would come out of the oven!!!
So I didn’t stab the idiot who knocked over my entire coffee-
Does that sainthood thing start like right away or…
I can’t believe I got kicked out of chess club. I didn’t realize there were rules, I just thought the pieces fought like action figures. I shouldn’t have brought Wolverine.
The volume of your sneeze determines the volume of my bless you.
Ask someone how they’re doing & they’ll say fine. Share with them a random health issue & wait for the 20 min dissertation on their ailment.
cats are the best because you can pet one while you’re talking to someone and look totally evil
[the city, seeing a marching band]
DAD: Son when you grow up, would you be the savior of the broken, the beaten and the damned?
ME: i’m 6
Me at 17: I’ve had 7 beers, 11 shots, and 2 questionable mixed drinks and I’m just getting started! Can’t wait until I’m over 21 and can REALLY start partying!
Me at 23: Look I know it’s 7pm and I only just got here but I’ve already had an entire glass of wine and I need a nap.
Obama: Please don’t talk to me until I’ve had my morning cup of Joe.
Joe: no please no more.
Obama: shut up Joe. *takes a sip of Joe*
Dentist: I would like the fish sandwich, please.
Server: Tartar sauce?
Dentist: *eyes narrow*
My boss always calls me Sweetypie when he wants me to get him coffee..I estimate he’s swallowed a bucket of my spit in the last 4 years..
Me: What is the opposite of truth?
My kid: Dare
Me: okay
Me: wait what????
[olive garden]
HOST: when you’re here you’re family
DAD: brb gonna go grab some cigarettes
Why did they call it Social Anxiety and not Hey Fever
I’d rather take a bullet for my son than cover for him when mom asks who left the dirty dishes in the sink…
I always wonder if dogs secretly hate playing fetch. If they’re like “these idiot humans keep losing their sticks & it’s up to me to go find them”
A cop pulled me over because he thought I was talking on a cell phone but really I was just rubbing a slice of pizza on the side of my face
wife: What would you do if 9 told you he was gay?
me [looking for the remote] Ask him if he’s seen the remote
You: Would you like a keto burger?
My Anaconda: No.
Girls like guys who take charge: ask her out, plan a date, take a hostage, overthrow a government, nuke her ex’s hometown, buy her a puppy
What is worse than your GF sending you a text to ” Break Up ” ?
Another text saying ” Sorry, that wasn’t for you ! ”
😂😂😂
I don’t need a reason to say stupid shit. I just need a venue.
If I won the lottery, I wouldn’t go nuts. Probably buy some printer ink, and with what was left over, maybe an avocado.