Prince Devitt x Low Ki x Kota Ibushi. One of my all time favorite matches. 🔥
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did it hurt? when u opened ur bank app
Sold my parents’ house today. It was really bittersweet and brought back so many memories. My parents are gonna be pissed when they get back from vacation though.
DATE: so what kind of writing do you do?
ME: um, cursive, regular…
DATE: no I mean-
ME: actually I can’t do cursive :/
*pulls home cooked meal out of oven*
*family awkwardly stares at me*
Yup, this is definitely not my house.
The Police asked me to make a statement so I stripped naked and ran around the precinct shouting, “Save the whales!”
A smile lets people know you are willing and able to bite them if necessary.
But if two men get married, they’ll BOTH be stupid in detergent commercials and then no one will buy the correct detergent.
Me: “I need big girl clothes.”
Him: “You haven’t gained that much.”
Me: “I meant adult clothes for work.”
Him: “Does the couch pull out?”
mmm onion ringos
“Okay Nancy, try it now.”
I’m on the “Whole Thing” diet. Didn’t eat the whole thing? Boom. Diet.
*wife looks through my phone
*divorces me 8 times
American: We’re really not that gun-obsessed.
Brit: Where did you get that t-shirt.
American:
Brit:
American: FROM A CANNON BUT THAT’S NOT THE POINT
Alarm system? Yeah right. I’ll defend my home the way my ancestors would have. A series of large painted portraits with peepholes for eyes.
He just told me that the dishwasher is broke.
I wish he would:
1. Stop rubbing it in
And
2. Stop calling me that.
The best thing about Twitter’s 140 character limit is that it keeps profanity-prone me from inserting any inadvertantly unnecessary motherfu
January 27th is Mozart’s birthday. Mozart died at 34 years old.
Had he lived he would be 259 years old on Tuesday
time traveler: i love your volcano
pompeiian: our what?
time traveler: your mountain, your normal mountain
son: school just got canceled
me: oh shit what did it do
“I’ve got chills. They’re multiplying.” “Sir, you’re going into shock. Please stop narrating–” “And I’m losing control.” “Sir!”
In Japanese, a cat sitting compactly with all its legs pulled in under its body is affectionately known as KŌBAKO-ZUWARI—or ‘sitting like an incense box’. The English equivalent is a CATLOAF.
I’m on a diet and a nice thing about it is that, when I’m eating less, my mind is so much clearer and I can see that all that really matters is food
Ever get home, look at your hair in a mirror, and wonder how many small children you terrified while you were out
[trying to explain blenders to medieval peasants without them thinking I’m a witch]
Imagine a knife tornado that made it so you can drink fruit.
[first day of astronomy class]
So, does everyone get to be an astronaut,
or do we draw straws?
What has 15 actors, 4 settings, 2 writers and 1 plot line?
632 Hallmark Christmas movies.
Fun new prank: Walk into a busy restaurant and call out the name of a rare Pokémon.
Pink has done surprisingly well as a solo artist ever since her and Floyd split up.
Parenting is no different than a bear attack. Curl up & play dead and they usually leave you alone.
i bet it really sucks to throw up if you’re a giraffe