ME: need help?
GIRL (having car trouble): could u give me a jump
ME: *inflating the bounce house I keep in my trunk* I thought u’d never ask
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KIDNAPPER: Get in the trunk
ME: You’re abducting me 4 days before Christmas?
K: Heh yep
ME: Omg thank you
K: What
ME: I’m all yours
K: Wait
rich people: be like me, invest in stocks
also rich people: no not like that
Angel: so what are these?
God: these are the vegetables. They contain lots of nutrients and vitamins the humans will need
Angel: wow this one tastes amazing and you can do so much with it
God: that’s a potato
Angel: it must be really good for you then
God: lol…no
I’m embarrassed to live in a world that’s allowed 9 fast and furious movies
“How cute. You have smile lines”
Me: those are from clenching my jaw
He was a satyr boy
She said see you later boy
He wasn’t goat enough for her
*swirling Gatorade in a wine glass*
Ah yes, the sportings, I have perused that endeavor. The throwing, the goalings, I love it all.
scotsman: are yeh thinkin what i’m thinkin?
other scotsman: jab a few pipes in a sheep stomach and play the same note for three hours?
scotsman: aye, laddie, jab a few pipes in a sheep stomach and play the same note for three hours
Me: You take my breath away.
Pollen: lol
Dating Profile – Don’t listen to what my wife says, I’m really pretty nice.
IDEAL UBER DRIVER:
-Clean car
-Doesn’t talk to me during drive
-Plays good music
-When he drops me off tells me he’s my father who left when I was 4 & has secretly followed my life and has always been proud of me
“Never eat raw cookie dough” sounds like a lie made up a long time ago by some guy that sold ovens for a living.
Hey I noticed you’re completely uninterested in me and couldn’t care whether I live or die would you like to build a life together?
Them: what part of your morning routine takes the longest ?
Me: finding the will to get up
Had a date today and it was nice. Will try raisins tomorrow
Very normal stages of anger:
1) kinda upset
2) crying
3) imagining yourself singing a revengeful song to them at a talent show
I just tried a keto friendly cereal. I think tomorrow I’ll just eat my cabinets.
Drugs are not the answer. Unless the question is “What are you in for?”
How Am I Doing? I’ll Tell You How I’m Doing Volumes: 1-8
ME: *posing nude for a painter*
GUY PAINTING MY HOUSE: please sir…I have a family.
I want to be the reason you look at your phone and smile while walking and then hit your head on a pole and faint. 🤪😂
Batman trying to get some sleep during the day
I think Amazon is missing a big opportunity to get into the paint industry. They could make big bucks selling Amazon Primer. #tuesdaymotivations
yall pray for me, nothing’s wrong im just in college
Sorry I lied when I said “I can’t complain.”
interviewer: you have a 3 year gap on your resume that just says “vengeance”
me:
interviewer:
me: you don’t remember me do you?
Tai Chi in the streets. Chai Tea in the steeps.
So many haunted “mansions.” Sad how this country is killing the middle class ghost.
I say I want a gf but I don’t even know what I’d do with one. Do you just kiss her and leave her alone in a corner? How often does it eat?
If you get drunk and message your ex, don’t worry. When you wake up, send bitcoin ads and pretend you were hacked.