I hate when boxing announcers say a boxer is “down for the count.” I don’t care that he loves Dracula I just want to know who’s winning.
You Might Also Like
My 3yo explaining pizza delivery:
“You hear the doorbell, then you open the door, then a person is suddenly there, and then they give you a pizza. And then they disappear into the night.”
Eating fried cheese is the closest i’ve gotten to doing heroin.
Fun idea! Complimentary deodorant with each transit fare purchase.
Excuse me officer, I have diplomatic immunity.
*Shows International House of Pancakes loyalty card*
[while titanic is sinking]
me: [mouth full of shrimp at the buffet] I can’t believe no one is eating these lol
“How is there a sink full of dirty dishes? I just washed them yesterday.”
—My 10-year-old learning a tough life lesson
If you know, you know 😂🚔
I put the clean laundry pile on my bed so I’d be motivated to fold it and have a place to sleep. So after a few nights sleeping on the couch I started scooping all the laundry up in my quilt, setting it on the floor, then putting it back on the bed in the morning.
Rome fell because it was run by idiots who used letters as numbers.
One of my biggest fears is the serial killer saying something funny while I play dead.
Interviewer: and finally, why do you want to become a police officer.
Me: [thinking of all the awesome parties i’ll finally get called to] help the community obviously
Bagged lunch circa 1984
-sack of flour
-room temperature buttermilk
– note from mom saying “figure it out”
Your password must contain a character still living in Game of Thrones
******
Password expired
******
Password expired
******
Password ex…
Cop: Why are you speeding?
Me: I’m super late for work
Cop: Ok, I need you to slow down
Me: Sorry. I’m…..super….late….for……work
[at Waldo’s trial]
Judge: Jury, how do you find the defendant?
Jury: We the jury find the defendant by looking in the top left of the page
Dons gloves and bandana.
Saunters into restaurant.
THIS IS A TAKE OUT!
I told my 2yo I was coming to his preschool holiday party and he looked really worried and said, “but what chair will you sit in?” Glad to know anxiety about literally nothing is genetic.
Any dinner can be a murder mystery dinner if you’re ambitious enough.
Eggs Benedict implies the exsistence of Eggs Cumberbatch
“All I ever wanted to do is make a difference.” – Subtraction Man
I got my followers the old fashioned way – with tranquilizer darts.
I am not the person I thought I was when I cut that donut in half.
Yes, I put a semicolon in a tweet. What else am I supposed to do with my English degree?
if someone asks me if I need help finding something in a department store I like to slowly describe a gun
Bully: [crying, arms shaking in exhaustion, knocks kid down a 32nd time]
10 y/o Chumbawamba: [gets up again]
For as much as they teach you “Stop, Drop, and Roll” as a kid, I really expected to be on fire at least once in my life.
Interviewer: “Why would you make a good customer service representative?”
Me: “I’m good at apologizing for things that aren’t my fault.”
My mom just texted me to say that her dog killed 2 groundhogs in her backyard this morning so I think she may be doing Groundhog Day wrong.
Me: We’re ordering pizza.
8-year-old: This is the best day of my life!
Me: We order pizza every week.
8: I have lots of best days.