I don’t know why smokey the bear carries a shovel, but it scares the shit out of me.
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Grilled cheese is named after its creator, Grilliam Cheeseford Jr.
[camping]
Friend: You gonna put that tent up yourself?
Me: No, you sicko, under that tree.
Rather than waste money on charity for the homeless, let’s invest in splicing their genes with snails so they always have their own shelter.
Red cross: would you like to volunteer to give blood?
Me: oh, no thank you, I already involuntarily give blood 5 days out of the month
[slowly pushing iceberg in front of titanic]
little mermaid: 🎶I’ll have gadgets and gizmos a-plenty🎶
Me: look at this stupid thing lol
Person I want to like me: actually I studied that thing at sea for 3 decades and it’s like a father to me
Thought I saw a brownie walk by but it was just my dog. Other than that, diet is going well.
I’m sorry we fought. I hate it when you’re wrong.
Nobody associated with Pizza Hut better say anything controversial. I need my stuff crust pizza
You know that episode of Friends where Joey tries to speak French? That’s what I hear when watching the State of the Union Address
The thing they don’t explain in 27 Dresses is how Kathryn Heigl affords to be a bridesmaid in 27 weddings on a personal assistant’s salary. Did that company have unlimited PTO??
Kids these days can’t do shit without #Google. When I was a kid I didn’t have Google. So, I pretty much couldn’t do shit.
If a sister is a nun then a brother is a bun this makes zero sense aaand send
Me: How many chicken nuggets do you want tonight?
7yo: 100
Me: As a guide, you usually have 4-6
7yo (thinking): 30
Be your mom’s favorite by not having to make her count to three.
Just overheard my 2-year-old exclaim “YAY I DID IT” from the other room. What I learn next will either be exhilarating or horrifying.
this morning a coworker told me “why don’t u make like a tree & leaf” & all I could think of as a comeback was “yeah, well why don’t u make like a coffee & fridge” (we were in the break room), so do I just quit now or what
Draw attention to your older tweets by being arrested on suspicion of multiple murders.
My waxer keeps mumbling about finding Big Foot. Probably just means he finds me mysterious, right?
Him: I started dating a younger woman…. She’s sixty-five.
Me: And her parents are OK with this?
[Pulling brother’s life support plug]
*whispers in ear*
“This is for that time you cheated at Monopoly.”
My front door has a reverse peephole so you can see me ignoring you
Meanwhile at the Maternity Ward…
Qualifications for a job with the Kenyan government.
1. You must be old. Really old…like above 75 years old.
2.The older you’re, the higher your chances.
3. Death is an added advantage.
Flex on your party guests by requiring a CAPTCHA to flush
I trace wine labels in crayon and hang them from our fridge magnets; people think we have disturbingly gifted children.