Me: I’m on a diet.
Random: a diet is just what you eat. Technically everyone is on a diet.
Me: do you want to go fishing? Don’t worry about what the bucket and bags of cement are for.
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I hate when I drop my chili cheese dog in my car and then I have to eat my whole car.
All I’m saying is, the minute Canada starts refining its maple syrup reserves into weapons-grade Aunt Jemimium, we’re all french toast.
“Hey, it’s us. The cable company you already use. Just wanted to remind you that we exist with this pointless commercial on this channel that’s provided by us, the cable company.”
[weapons store]
ME: *holding up a spare pin* Has anybody seen my grenade?
In Russia, Pokemon find you.
My superpower is turning food and drink into larger pants.
Give a man a fish, feed him for a day.
Teach a man to fish in highly-contaminated water, feed him for a day.
Cough drops are perfect for when you want the cough you’ve had for three days to stop for 60 seconds and then come right back.
I love sleeping, mainly because I get a break from sucking my gut in.
If you can’t beat em, don’t join em, just use a bigger hammer.
It took my husband roughly 5 hours to put together this seesaw thing so I’m thinking our marriage will probably only last about 2 hours after I ask him to move the orange bar to the middle
Sit-ups are no fun, sharpie abs are definitely the way to go if you want permanent results.
Husband: *buys anything* Let’s save the box in case we need to return it.
[2 years and 250 boxes later]
Me: Honey, the kids are lost in your box maze again.
Spending the day removing $1.6 billion worth of stuff from my Amazon shopping cart.
All I’m saying is, the minute Canada starts refining its maple syrup reserves into weapons-grade Aunt Jemimium, we’re all French toast.
Facebook’s great for when you wanna see a picture or a joke you saw on Twitter four years ago
So you brush your teeth with hair on a stick and brush your hair with teeth on a stick. Humans, you’ve made it.
[Morgan Freeman voice] Isolated from his group, this penguin will not survive
[penguin voice] Hey dude, I can hear you.
I’m so committed to pizza that I’ve stopped wearing a condom when I eat it.
okay Mary that guy just smiled at you play it cool oh my god he’s coming over here play it cool play it cool HI THERE I’M WEARING TWO BRAS
My first thought when meeting new people is often how tiny they are and how security in this maternity ward sucks.
Never ask a shepherd how many sheep he owns, I don’t think he’d know, he probably falls asleep every time he takes inventory.
Unfortunately I’ve determined that sucking up is part of human nature because it works and yes my boss DID look very nice today…
Almost hit someone with my car just to get their attention…
It’s safe to say that flirting isn’t my strong point.
A funny thing happened on the way to my potential.
Wife and I saw a woman smiling on the street, carrying a baby while helping her younger child ride a tricycle, and the first thing we both said was, “Why the hell is she smiling?”
My phone died at the gym and I had to do the elliptical with zero entertainment like the pioneers did in the olden days.
her: we should get a labrador
me: idk seems like ppl with those go blind
[getting yelled at by a stranger] whatever you’re just mad because i’m in your chimney
Once I burned my Trailer down when I left a candle burning after a romantic date. To keep my street cred, I claimed it was a meth explosion.