The single greatest thing I’ve done as a parent is convince my kids that Twix are gross and that they should give them all to me.
Happy Halloween!
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A large part of parenting is pretending you don’t smell anything weird
Well well well, if it isn’t the bridge I said I’d burn when I came to it…
We should be able take jets and tanks and stuff whenever we want, we paid for them
Missiles? Is there a Misteriles?
I tried to help my third grader with some practice IQ test questions, and either he’s a genius or I’m a potato.
I keep my friends clothes and my enemies toaster.
As a result, they’re now all my enemies, but they’re naked & having cereal for brekkie.
Crazy how women have the stereotype of being chatty when 90% of dudes have 45 minute podcasts that no one listens to…
Have you ever felt like something was touching your face at night? Don’t you worry. It’s just a MOTH, DRINKING YOUR TEARS WHILE YOU SLEEP.
This guy would have upwards of 50k followers on this site, and his tweets would be absolutely insane
Brains are sexy
Wish everyone had one
the most unrealistic thing about stranger things is how max was the only character who was advised to seek psychological help
Jesus: Go forth. You are now fishers of men.
Peter: *harpoons a guy*
Jesus: Too literal, bro.
Doctor: you need to improve your diet what do you have for breakfast
Me: eggs
Doctor:
Me: ok reese’s eggs
Padmé: Dating is scaring. I just want to find a nice guy who’s not going to murder me.
Anakin: You’ve chosen wisely.
A ballerina walks into a barre. Embarrassed, she splits.
wonder why hedge mazes fell out of fashion? we need to get to the centre of this issue.
*plays Rocky theme song*
*cracks 5 raw eggs into glass and gulps them down*
*vomits on kitchen floor*
*turns off music*
*cleans kitchen*
*falls down several flights of stairs, breaking multiple bones*
ME: *into headset mic* I’m in
Man reading a book: hot
Man with a baby: hot
Man reading a book to a baby: hold me back my ovaries have exploded.
If u rob a container store does that count as organized crime?
[on first date]
I’ll have an iced tea, please.
Waiter: Sure. Ummm…anything for the balloon with a woman’s face drawn on it?
If there’s cake in the fridge, the fridge becomes a medicine cabinet.
I don’t make the rules.
Sorry I ate all your cake after you passed out and then drew your angry eyebrows on so you’d be ready to discuss it when you woke up.
My husband says it’s not my chin hairs that embarrass him, it’s how I’m constantly trying to yank them out in public.
me: [wearing a wire] ok i’m inside the drug dealer’s house
drug dealer: who are you talking to
me: [lowering my voice] he knows
Guys.You can’t make everyone happy, so just concentrate on me
“Which one is you?”
– My favorite response when someone shows me a selfie with other people in it.
Girlfriend: Are you cheating on me?
Me: You sound like my wife.
my anti-aging skincare regime consists of a plan to eventually get bitten by a vampire
studying the Sphinx using Pharoahdynamics