I gotta work tomorrow? like, my job??? I have had 17 straight days off you expect me to remember what it is I do for a living
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Genie: *transforms me into a turtle* oh wait, did you say eternal life?
Me: *from inside shell* yeah no this is better
Your chances of being hunted by a turkey are low, but never zero.
I always go the extra mile,
which is why my friends don’t let me drive
[At the funfair]
*Fire alarm sounds*
Me: *in the hall of mirrors* oh no.
When I die, before my will is read, I want my entire Google search history revealed and whoever is left in the room gets it all.
I am SO DONE WITH MEN. Most of them, anyway. At least one of them. I am SO DONE WITH AT LEAST ONE OF THE MEN.
one time i matched with a girl on a dating app and her bio said “the first date better be outdoors” so i asked if she wanted to go for a hike and she was like “i meant more like, patio drinks”
Summer vacation with my kids is just me asking, “Have you brushed your teeth today?”
Never thought I’d be the type of person who competes for attention. Then I got a cat.
Pro tip for picking up girls – keep your back straight and lift with your knees.
If I were rich, I’d buy stuff I wouldn’t even use. Like helicopters or soap.
He died doing what he loved: almost crossing the street.
WIFE: good news hun we’re up this quarter.
ME: oh yeah? How much?
WIFE: *holding up a coin* this quarter.
At bath time, my 4-year-old asked if he could use “the other bath.” We only have one, so, filled with curiosity, I grabbed his little hand and asked him to show me. Kid led me to the dishwasher.
*puts down 1000 page thesis*
*adjusts microphone*
*looks at audience*So, and hear me out, what if Mr. Miyagi actually paid those schoolboys to bully that kid so he can get his house fixed?
-Knock Knock!
-Who is it?
-The love of your life.
– 🙂 Really?
-Hahahaha no, it’s the pizza you ordered.
Housekeeping: Ma’am, would you like me to turn down your bed?
Me: Yes, thank you. Would you mind turning down my husband for me as well?
– How can you read that without your glasses?
– I use my imagination
8:00AM *starts peeling an egg*
4:00PM *finishes peeling an egg*
I’ve honestly never been more disappointed in life than when I found out that the Miami Dolphin football team was made up entirely of people
4th grade student: How old are you?
Me: Quite a bit older than you.
Student: So like 23?
Me: Deal. Tell all your friends.
Google Moon is NOT what I thought it would be.
*pulls up pants
Nobody runs faster than a parent who suddenly realizes those kids have been playing silently for way too long.
Prepare your kids for social media by putting their artwork on the fridge and writing a bunch of mean comments under it.
Listening to my husband’s gorilla snoring and contemplating if I could record it and sell to the FBI as an alternative to waterboarding.
I put on my husband’s deodorant and now I’m angry at the way I load the dishwasher.
Yesterday I watched a clip about a 71-year-old female body builder.
Today I used my pants as a napkin because the couch was too far from the kitchen.
5: mom i learned the months of the year!
me: oh yeah? what are they?
5: january…february…tuesday?
me: *tears up application to harvard
How much for the Ice Cream Scoop?
Ma’am, that’s a Shovel.
i aspire to be the type of grandparent that my grandkids can differentiate from a wolf wearing a nightgown