Make fun of my long hair and I’ll ride past your girlfriend’s bedroom window on a stallion.
You Might Also Like
99% of people who quote Ayn Rand have either never read her or have never read her
Shut up and put on your matching Adidas track suit so everyone at Costco knows we’re a couple. Don’t make this weird.
interview tip #86
be honest when asked about yourself
[later]
interviewer: so tell me about yourself
me: not without my lawyer present
I wish I was Jean Claude Van Damme, not to be able to roundhouse kick my co-worker, but to bore him to death as I act out a scene.
I can still party like I’m 22.
Too bad I recover like I’m 82.
“Is it in yet???”
-My ATM, mocking me.
Women! You will no doubt have been gifted, over the years, approximately 15,000 gift soaps as panic-buy last-minute presents over the years.
Guilt will have compelled you to keep them all, rendering one drawer an overwhelming grotto of bergamot and lavender. Now is your moment.
space horror is the best horror. what’s out there? no one knows! big rocks. creepy things. sticky things. math! stuff on fire. big holes. big holes with math in them.
I want to go to bed without cleaning the kitchen but I don’t want my mother to wake up in a panic 300 miles away.
I READ EVERY NEGATIVE COMMENT BECAUSE ONLY THE MOST RATIONAL HUMANS TAKE TIME OUT OF THEIR DAY TO TELL A STRANGER WHY THEY SUCK
Just saw somebody leaving the dispensary in a U-Haul truck. Leave some for the rest of us, cmon
Don’t tell me how to lift my baby
wait.
Don’t make me mad or so help me, I will become the 70th like on all of your future tweets.
Why can’t they use deep fake technology for good instead of evil? Like taking zoom meetings for you. Stuff like that.
Dating me is like dating a Gordon Ramsay that doesn’t cook.
does bisexual mean twice a sexual, or once every other sexual
Kid: There’s a monster living in my closet
Monster: do you have any idea how expensive a studio apartment is in this neighborhood
The sex was going great until he questioned why I was making my storm trooper action figures kiss across his forehead.
Was voted “Most Needy” in my high school yearbook. Practically had to beg them for it.
If you see something, say something.
My dog: i got this
sheep: “why do we all look the same?”
other sheep: “it freaks me out tbh”
another sheep: “i dont even know which one of us is me”
The man that loves to eat on a lounger by the pool is a manipooleater
Me: What would you do to a Klondike bar?
Wife: To or for?
Me: Just one
All I have ever wanted from a yogurt is to know who the cows are.
Her: Do you like Disney?
Me (trying to flirt): I like both knees.
i’m so old i’m almost back in style
I don’t care if it’s immature or not, I’m pausing my age until this bullshit is over.
Burning bridges was a lot easier when 7 out of 10 people had lighters in their pockets.
My son told me I need to show more interest in sports, so now I sit next to the TV, stare at my phone, and occasionally yell “Go team!” Then I look up, realize the hockey game is long over, and oh look, I’m cheering for Law and Order.