*receives text from wife
“I’m done”
Ok. I’ll have my lawyer call yours.
“I meant work”
Ok. Cool.
You Might Also Like
Did you know Yoda has a last name?
It’s Layheehoo…
[holding the door open for a pretty woman]
Her: *smiling* Thank you, gallant sir
Me: *blushing* I aim to please
Wife: *withering* Honey, we’ve shared a bathroom for 18 years, he aims for the floor
M: I despise you
I remember Daddy told me fairy tales can come true so any time an old lady offers me an apple or cookie I kill her and bury her in the woods
I just woke up from a dream where a very attractive man with an adorable dog invited me to get ice cream… and I told him, “sorry, I don’t have any condoms,” then walked away. Dream me is as awkward as real me.
Misery loves company,
and apparently that’s why my parents invite me over every Thanksgiving weekend.
ME: What if I have a robotic arm?
PRIEST: God will make you whole again in Heaven.
ME: But what if I really love my robotic arm?
PRIEST: God will grant you happiness.
ME: Can God give me two robotic arms?
PRIEST: Please, I beg you, others are waiting to use the confessional.
I’ve been repeating the same mistakes in life for so long now I may as well call them traditions.
I’m no political expert, but as far as I can tell the Republican strategy seems to be:
“oh you think BUSH was terrible?”
BREAKING NEWS: Scientists discover portal, “WE THREW A HOTDOG IN IT” screamed one scientist
And on the eighth day, God let the dogs out. And there was much confusion among the Baha Men.
Air conditioning so extreme, you could grow penguins in the living room.
As a general rule of thumb, I avoid pinky promises.
WRITER: A drifter & a rich lady fall in love
WALT DISNEY: Can they be dogs?
WR: A woman steals a couple’s baby
WD: Can the baby be 101 dogs?
me: I liked your memoir. Not sure why it ended with a recipe though
food blogger:
Knuckle Tattoo Idea:
* L I V I N G T O O C L O S E T O N U C L E A R W A S T E H A S D I S F I G U R E D M Y B O D Y K I L L M E *
“they arent wearing seatbelts” – my mom watching a car chase scene in any action movie
I remember when “Something’s eating up data.” meant that guy from Star Trek was deeply troubled.
Sometimes I drink too much coffee and chase the Amazon guy around the neighborhood
I’m always amazed at how eating 2lbs of chocolate can make you gain 47lbs.
Whenever someone mentions rat poison part of me imagines a tiny rodent cover band playing 80s power ballads.
I had to rescue my phyllo pastry ski mask from a volcano yet again. That’s right, my baklava balaclava was back in lava.
My husband says our family will never get a pet but yesterday I walked in on him baby talking the roomba.
[consoling grieving widow]
so I guess you’ll be looking for a new owner for his pokémon collection?
Please stop calling a picture of a grilled cheese sandwich “food porn”.
[hands over brown bag with £10,000 ransom]
“Now give me my wife.”
“This is short by £2.39”
[hides Mcflurry] “it’s all I got.”
Grocery store: “Instead of buying a bunch of basil you can buy this basil plant and then you’ll have months’ worth of dead basil plant.”
Did you ask her out?
Yes.
And?
She only dates guys named Matt.
Cause she likes to walk all over them?
No, tattoo she can’t afford to remove.
When there’s a forklift accident they have to put the forklift down because once a forklift gets a taste of human blood…