Before electricity, they used to give murderers the acoustic chair.
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Me: How could you do this?
Her: I just felt like you needed to know
Me: I’ve completely lost trust
Her: I know this is hard
Me: But wrestling? Fake? I’m devastated.
Daughter: You’re invading my personal space
Mom: You came out of my personal space
Me: To the window; to the wall.
Realtor: Just to be clear we are discussing your house showing.
this is the kind of chaos i demand from a pharmacy
therapist: so, what do you say when she says that
me: you sound like your mom
therapist: 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️
2: mommy, grammy goes to bed with grandpa
me: yeah, hey can we talk about something else?
pictures of spider-man
Yesterday someone on here said I was more attractive than an actual Prince, and that was a really weird way to discover that my mom had a Twitter account.
*fooling around with husband*
Husband: Is that a piece of cheese in your bra?
Me: If you wanted any, you should have brought your own snacks!
My boss: “Sean, what do you know about Twitter?” Me: “nothing. Why? What have you heard?”
Sometimes I feel bad for yelling at my kids, but then I remember that some animals eat their kids and I don’t feel so bad anymore.
english majors be like furthermore
Me: So what are you giving up for Lent?
Rick Astley: *tearing up*
Me: oh no
not to get all political on here but i’m pretty sure strawberry and blueberry pop-tarts taste exactly the same.
I’d like to thank whomever told my mom that WTF means “wow that’s fantastic.” Her texts are so much more fun now.
things i’ve picked my teeth with:
– pen lid
– unfolded staple
– aggressive licking
– a blade of grassthings i’ve never picked my teeth with:
– toothpick
Relieved to finally get a new microchipped debit card that provides added security to protect the $13.68 in my checking account.
Engineers: “okay, so we agree the space between the seat and the console will allow people to see what they dropped but never retrieve it”
SECURITY GUARD: “Sir, I have to check all backpacks”
ME: “ok”
*opens backpack*
*its full of hundreds of tiny backpacks*
Saw some turkeys and immediately thought of you.
Edward Scissorhands: Maybe he’s born with it, maybe he’s Wolverine
CW: Have you had 5 guys?
Me: *blank stare* That’s kinda personal don’t ya think?
And that’s when I found out it’s the name of a burger joint
Ended a date early one time so I could come home and eat my hawaiian bbq leftovers before anyone else got to it
2020 was like “I know a place” … and took us to hell.
DARTH VADER: it’s so hard to date when you’re
STORMTROOPER: …an evil genocidal maniac?
DV: I was going to say a single dad. You’ve made it awkward now
911: What’s your emergency?
“I put the Ford in affordable housing.”
911: Are you flirting?
“No I crashed into some apartments. SEND HELP”
If God didn’t intend for us to eat animals, he was probably really freaked out when we started
Nobody has ever believed in me as much as the chef at this food cart who just handed me a burrito not wrapped in foil.
“How hard up for cash do you have to be to wear a chicken suit & wave at cars,” I think, adjusting the beak protruding from my forehead
I used to blame all my problems on my parents, but now that I’m a grown up, I have come to terms with the fact that when bad things happen to me, it’s probably just that Mercury’s in retrograde again.