You didn’t say I couldn’t fill the jacuzzi with mac and cheese
You Might Also Like
I use the incognito browser to search how to do the things I told my wife I know how to do
Netflix just suggested I get up and walk around before I develop a blood clot.
I read all your bumper stickers and now we’re both stupid.
Finally, my winter fat is gone… now I have spring rolls
What about “BusinessMyspace”? Nah, it’s taken. Okay, what about “LinkedIn”?
Prevent future fights among your children by not owning any nice things.
Those 5 donuts I ate are really going to give me an extra boost during my workout today.
I believe that 1/3rd of the twin population is actually living as their sibling and don’t know it. Like they got switched during bath time and never went back.
When I said I was a “first responder” I meant that I am quick to send the thumbs up emoji in the family text thread.
[Chevy commercial]
“we blindfolded people and put them in our new Chevy. Here’s what they had to say”
Man: I couldn’t see anything. I was blindfolded
Woman: I feared for my life the entire time
sky writing doesn’t always have to be positive, come on people
{Company meeting}
Pres: Our biggest fears have come true…*I run to check on the donuts
*Stroll back in, spitting crumbs “what’s wrong?”
Before Isaac Newton discovered gravity everyone had to glue themselves down.
You don’t know fear until you cough out a tampon nowhere near a bathroom.
Me: I’m smart!
Also me: That is the weirdest looking otter I’ve ever seen!
Hubs: That’s because it’s a seal
Me: ‘Bless me Father for I have sinned.’
Priest: ‘How long since your last confession, my son?’
Me: ‘About 45 minutes.’
I spent 5 min. in the dark trying to get my charger in my phone. I’m embarrassed & I feel like I owe some dudes from high school an apology.
Me: *gets up to go pee*
My dog: *snaps awake from a dead sleep* FOLLOW YOU INTO THE BATHROOM & KEEP WATCH, GOT IT!
Thinking about getting real into bonsai trees. It seems like an expensive hobby that I’ll lose interest in almost immediately, which is right in my wheelhouse
Twitter should disable deleting tweets and add a regret button instead.
My teeth are so crooked they should run for office.
“Welcome, Mr. Bond.” I say, spinning around on my chair. My elbow catches the glass on the table and spills water all over my death ray.
Me: Nothing has better sucking capability than a Dyson vacuum.
Dracula: You can’t be serious.
As the wounded oyster mends it shell with pearl, so shall I mend my wounded ego with my signature homemade potato salad
my street gang has been walking down the street snapping our fingers in unison for like 3 days, we all forgot why we were doing it
On March 17th, 1992, I asked my parents for directions to a restaurant in Brooklyn. As of 7:30 this evening, they’re still arguing about it.
When driving: *shakes fist at pedestrians*
When walking: *shakes fist at motorists*
When running: *shakes fist at the murderer chasing me*
I peed in the ocean yesterday and the fish are still drunk today.
Not all heroes wear capes…
Child me at birthday party: gimme gimme ice cream
Adult me at birthday party: gimme gimme cake