Her: Why are you still calling? You know it’s over between us.
Him: You know why.
Her: *sighs, calls dog to phone*
You Might Also Like
If I hadn’t heard these words my entire life, “nooks and crannies” would sound like slurs
Instructions in the Men’s Room for hand washing. Because non-hand washers can’t be bothered unless there’s an opportunity to learn stuff.
If happiness is a moving target and I’ve been chasing it all my life, why am I fat?
I accidentally spilled water on the rice so I immediately put it in a jar of smartphones.
Press 1 for English
Press 2 For SpanishPress 1 or 2 for Indian
don’t have the heart to tell my third wife that Coconut by Harry Nilsson was also the first dance song at my first two weddings
Lowes can be picky, they refused my coupon. Some lame excuse about written in crayon
*getting undressed in front of someone for the first time*
sorry i look like this, i honestly didn’t think i was ever gonna do this again
A chihuahua is just a barking cat.
Our friends: [just married] we want kids
Me, to my wife: [excited] omg babe maybe they’ll take ours
Due to rising costs, Old McDonald had to sell his farm.
E-I-E-I-Owes a lot of money.
when you finally break down and clean the kid’s bathroom
My personal favorite unit of measurement is whether or not something is considered “a big whoop”
Establish dominance at your doctor’s office by giving *him* the bad news first.
Me: *needs to renew my vehicle registration*
DMV: Yes, we will need your license, registration, proof of insurance, passport, paper straw wrapper, VHS copy of The Sixth Sense, Princess Dianna Beanie Baby and for you to hit the high note in “I Will Always Love You.”
It’s okay, baby. I cry when people try to change me too.
I didn’t set my clocks back. I’m writing this from one hour in your future. We have jet packs.
cw: what did you do at the weekend?
me: friends treated me to a bloated birthday meal
cw: I think you mean belated?
m: *recalling the deep-fried pufferfish* I know exactly what I mean
Sophomore year I called my mom excited to tell her I had declared my majors. Me: “I’m gonna double major in drama & sociology” Her: “Drama & sociology?! Whatcha gonna do with THAT ACT LIKE YOU’RE HELPING PEOPLE” 🤷🏾♀️😂
Spouse ignoring your texts? Drop a nude and then immediately reply with, sorry wrong person. Works like a charm.
People say nothing is impossible but you would be amazed at how often I do nothing.
It finally happened. I’m at a restaurant and a guy at the next table told the waitress “Fun fact about me: I’m a google reviewer and my reviews have over 2.5 million views”
Too bad my 20 year high school reunion was cancelled. My plus 1 was going to be the extra person I gained in weight since high school. Darn
[sitting down next to a stranger at a minor league baseball game] that looks great. who’s your hot dog guy
[before kids]
“Man, I’m going to be such a chill parent”
[3 years in]
“IF YOU DON’T SWALLOW THAT MILK BY THE TIME I COUNT TO THREE…”
me: yo lemme get somma those THYIICC fries
kfc: you mean potato wedges?
me: yes potato wedges please
So anyway, my mom and all her opinions are visiting this weekend
Did you know?
Baby kangaroos are called joeys because they are the enforcers for the Marsupial Mafia.
New York could be completely and permanently under water and people would still be like “$3500 for a one bedroom seems fair.”