GENIE: you have one wish. choose wisely
ME: i wish i was only 14 inches tall so that when i hold a knife it looks like i’m wielding a huge ass sword
GENIE: your wish is granted. why didn’t you just wish for a sword though
ME: oh yeah damn
You Might Also Like
geese are just mad that we refuse to buy insurance from them
Good Will Hunting (2018): Dystopian movie about a near future in which everyone with an ounce of good will is mercilessly hunted and killed.
If you’ve ever wanted to change up your name, now’s the time. New name, add a name, doesn’t matter. When you go back to work, it’ll be all Yeah, Tom, I’m pretty sure my last name’s always been Twizzlers.
“My pleasure, doll”
“My pleasure doll”Commas can make a world of difference…
“I shaved for this shit?” – All of us at one point in our lives.
My wife CLAIMS to be my best friend but she didn’t seemed all that psyched when I bragged about this girl at work I just made out with.
Friend:*terrified* don’t make a sound and maybe the killer won’t find us
Me: *quietly tries to tighten velcro sneakers*
I’ve eaten so much Easter candy..that at this point I’m positive i’m ovulating Reese’s eggs.
*waits for you to fall asleep*
*rolls out from under your bed*
*moisturizes your knees and elbows*
I legit had to reread this several times before I realised it wasn’t intended to be a conversation between the Beta Male and the Alpha Male.
If you made me mad in the 90s, I’d pickup up the landline while you were on the internet
I have never in my life learned from another person’s mistakes, I would literally let a giant wooden horse into my house right this second.
just yelled YOU DONT KNOW ME at uplifting bathroom graffiti that read “you are enough”
*flushes the urinal for the guy next to me* pay it forward, bro.
*gets a new lease on life*
*misses first payment*
When your man makes a valid point
Don’t kick over a rock if you’re not mentally and physically prepared for what may be underneath….
People who think being an aunt is some kind of “easy,” fun, responsibility-free way to spend time with kids REALLY do not understand how hard it is to open a child-locked drawer
I’ve lost my boyfriend! He’s in one of these browser tabs, somewhere.
Talk about bad timing #JokeoftheDay #Conan
I went for a drive but I forgot my glasses. I didn’t even realize I had forgotten them until the guy lying on my windshield said something.
The animals in Australia are dangerous, but they’re the most dangerous in Queensland because they can move in any direction.
WIFE: Why is the zoo calling us about a missing coyote?
ME: [bleeding profusely] So… not a dog
It’s so foggy out right now that I feel like I should be telling someone about an ancient prophecy
I got out of bed this morning and decided it was time to turn it around. So, I did a 180 and went back to bed.
If you`re not going to help me break into my ex`s house to delete the hysterical message i left on his answerphone,then you`re not my friend
1492
[DAY 6]
COLUMBUS: India!
SAILOR: That’s an island, Chris.
[DAY 11]
COLUMBUS: India!
SAILOR: That’s a dolphin, Chris.
{At America}
COLUMBUS: India!
SAILOR: *Sigh* You know what? Fine. Sure Chris. You did it. That’s India.
*travels back to 1930’s*
okay and that’s why you’ve got to kill hitler
FBI: wait so you can just look at naked lady videos anytime you want
I see you’re busy. I’ll come back and ruin your free time.
Hi, it’s me, your housebound friend. Since I have years of experience at this, and you lot seem to be out of ideas already, I will be providing you with daily suggestions of ways in which to entertain yourselves at home. Ready?
March 16th: Teach the cat a conjuring spell.