[job interview]
“Have any questions?”
Think the 3 Little Pigs hired the Big Bad Wolf to blow their houses down to collect insurance money?
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it’s not about the cards you’re dealt, but how you play the hand you’ve got hidden up your sleeve
My son is at that age where he’s curious about the human body.
I’ll have to hide it somewhere else now.
January is the biggest month every year in my office for divorce filings.
So when someone says “Tis the season to be jolly!” I cynically think “Well. We shall see.”
captain: is there a doctor on this plane?? this man is having a heart attack
me: i have a BA in english
guy having a heart attack: that’s brutal, hang in there
I don’t understand what’s happening here.
my sentiments exactly
I put JIF Peanut butter in the mousetraps and although I didn’t catch any mice I did manage to snag 3 choosy mothers.
Negative pregnancy tests, because everyone loves good news on a stick
Having a pool is so neat. All of your friends are suddenly interested to catch up on the hottest days of the year.
I find few things more alarming than a toddler with a permanent marker in her hand.
I can see the appeal of being a nudest everytime I do laundry
I love how fresh & clean my bathroom smells after I’ve killed a spider with a full bottle of windex
When a cop pulls me over I lick my lips and say, “Can I show you something sexy to get out of this ticket?,” then I open my center console full of snacks.
No one is more hated than those two people who start a standing ovation.
Me leaving the house for plans I made when I was in an extroverted mood
How to tell if your wife is mad at you
1. She is
my kid was complaining she’s bored so I found her a tutorial on mining Bitcoin.
[Back at her place]
Date: talk dirty to me
Me: uhh…dust is basically just flakes of dead skin
Date: Eww, wtf?
Me: I mean… uh, limescale can shorten the life your kettle
waitress: can i get you some coffee
[remembering a friend telling me when a girl invites you for coffee she wants to get to know you]
me: back away harlot
[at Starbucks]
Barista: Coffee?
Me: Yes, a medium please
Coffee: I’m strongly sensing the presence of your great grand aunt Lucille
“Get the Reese’s” I whisper to my kid as he trick-or-treats, knowing full well my wife just quietly told him to go for the Twix.
If you don’t open your mouth when you yawn, you’re a monster. I’m serious. Let that demon go. You’re freaking everybody out.
In tense moments i like to think “what would Jesus do” and then violently flip over a bunch of tables.
Sorry I missed your call earlier, I was sitting in my bed with my phone in my hand watching it ring
I am a:
⚪️ man
⚪️ woman
🔘 gooseLooking for:
⚪️ men
⚪️ women
🔘 bread
Me: Can you hear me?
4: No.
Me: I need for you to pick up your legos, please.
4: But I can’t hear you.
Me: You can, you’re answering me.
4: (crying) No, I can’t!
Gaslighting is starting at a young age over here.
Pro tip: being patient will get you out of raking leaves. One of these days will be windy and they will blow into your neighbors yard.
My kids have pulled out the NERF guns. What could possibly go wrong?
[friend is showing me around his city]
HIM: and that right there is the children’s hospital
ME: *struggles with this for a minute* how the hell are children running a hospital