Been given the task of creating the perfect fish pun and, friends, the struggle is eel
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me: thinking about getting into necrophilia
her: over my dead body
me: that’s the spirit
I don’t eat cats and dogs. Dogs are cute and I’m allergic to cats.
*my lawyer leans in and whispers in my ear*
Cats are also cute.
Am I in my mid 30s? Yes.
Will I ever stop ending professional phone calls with “bye-bye”? NO.
It’s been 5 days since the last full moon. If you’re still trapped as a werewolf it’s time to see your doctor or veterinarian.
Me: You’re old and out of shape and way past your prime, but you are nice.
Mirror: Yes, you do seem nice.
A priest, a minster, and a rabbit walk into a bar. The rabbit says, “I think I’m a typo.”
Thoughts and prayers for my starving teens suffering from fridge and pantry blindness
Cats don’t understand movie/TV production, so they must just think some WILD shit happens outside of one window in our house.
Thinking about getting real into bonsai trees. It seems like an expensive hobby that I’ll lose interest in almost immediately, which is right in my wheelhouse
[Burping a baby]
Me: “I never should have eaten this baby.”
You gotta know when to hold em
Know when to fold em
Know when to walk away
Know when to runThis concludes your parenting course.
Gangs should do drive-bys with t-shirt guns it’d be less violent & the shirt could say “you suck” so the target still gets the message
15: Geez. You make me never want to have a girlfriend.
Me: Joke’s on you, bud, I make a lot of men decide they don’t want a girlfriend.
[cat adoption agency]
Counselor: …*slowly pushes my application off the counter*
Me: What the hell?
Counselor: You’re not ready
it’s either covid or clever vampires
just taught my 3yo to sing “if you’re happy and you’ve no wit, clap your hands” and then laugh at the people clapping
I’ve watched Dancing With The Stars with my wife all season and she just asked who I think should win. Quick! Someone tell me who’s on it!
[post-apocalypse open mic]
Me: So…how’s everyone’s bone health tonight? Vitamin D & calcium levels looking gooood??
Crowd: *rickets*
Carpenters are only in it for them shelves.
Coworker: Do you have good taste in music?
Me: I can only taste things I put in my mouth
Both of us thinking: I work with an idiot
“If you wanna be my lover, you gotta get with my Sven.” -Kristoff
Our government needs REFORM, we need to make it ILLEGAL to put fake pockets on women’s clothing
Me, sitting on the patio trying to enjoy a book.
Leaf blowers: ABSOLUTELY NOT.
Let’s get married and have kids so instead of relaxing during weeknights we can go to seven practices and relearn algebra.
Never understood why people train their dogs to sit pretty or roll over when there are useful tricks like empty the dishwasher or fold the laundry.
Maybe, just maybe, passwords wouldn’t be so insecure if we weren’t always asking them to change.
My wife would bring a hoodie to the Sun “just in case.”
‘what goes on inside your head?’ nothing i wanna be a part of
“Take me with you,” I whisper, palms pressed to the windowpane, watching the trash truck drive away.
When I got my epidural during childbirth I didn’t realize it was gonna wear off before the toddler years