*police searching my home
So, the coffin is for Halloween?
Yes. Yes it is.
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The best part of my kid graduating was unsubscribing from the school’s text messages.
Driving tests should have a portion where a kid in the backseat just pummels you with rapid-fire questions while you try to merge.
I date men whom have their life paths laid out firmly and don’t waver.
Yes, their paths are Psycho and Socio, but consistency is admirable.
“I didn’t choose the thug life…” I mutter as I trim the crust off of my PB & J sandwich
[At home school reunion]
“And Sasha bought a new cat, her name is Mittens.”
“Mom I know, you told me yesterday.”
My mom: Easter is at noon on Sunday.
Me: I’m not religious but I’m pretty sure Easter is all day.
There is no bigger asshole than someone that takes an animal that can fly and puts it in a cage to stand on a stick.
I hate it when people tell me to “stay in your lane!” Granted i’m drunk at the bowling alley, but it’s still uncalled for.
Jack: how’s it going
Beans: pretty good– Jack and the beans talk
Don’t tell me I look tired unless you’re offering to carry me
ME: Is there a ghost in here?
{everything shakes, dishes shatter in kitchen, books fall off shelves}
Ouija Board: {slides to no}
ME: phew
“Someone offered me grapes, but I declined . I’m not used to consuming wine in pill form.” — University of Chicago
15: *cleaning her glasses with the hem of her shirt* Ever wonder how nudists clean their glasses?
Me: No. *spends the rest of the night wondering how nudists clean their glasses*
I just realized that FFS stood for something and wasn’t just a sound people typed out when they were frustrated.
I’ll see myself out.
Only two things are certain: death, and Princess Diana’s face on at least one grocery store magazine
me: raises hell
Hell: put me back down!
[Staring at bedroom ceiling]
Her:Don’t worry. It happens to every guy
Me:Not to me it doesn’t!
*resumes trying to unscrew lid from pasta jar
biggest issues with Australia?
✅ no late afternoon coffee
✅ footwear
✅ lack of nukes
Please, sir. Your gold chain is too arousing.
so who’s the alpha in your relationship ?
me:
taco:
me:
taco:
me: he’s shy.
“Instruction manuals are for amateurs,” I proclaim, just prior to assembling the item in such a way that not even the manufacturer would recognize it
[Dinner with GF’s parents]
Thank you for having me over, can I use the bathroom?
“MAY I use the bathroom”
*slams fists down*
I ASKED FIRST
Last week my son asked me why we don’t just call them ‘water hydrants’ and I still don’t have an answer for him.
card machine: insert chip card into reader
me: ok
card machine: do NOT remove card
me: uhh ok i wo-
card machine: REMOVE THE CARD YOU PIECE OF SHIT
*Cleans house*
*looks at family*
“I’m going to have to ask you to leave”
Look, just because Jeff Bezos looks like Lex Luthor & acts like Lex Luthor, doesn’t…uh oh.
Me- If I buy the little snack sized bags of chips, it forces me to use portion control.
Also me- Dumps 20 little bags into a giant bowl
If I ever have an out of body experience, when it’s over I’m gonna be like “Umm, do I have to go back to my original body? I kinda like that younger one with better hair over there.”
Gummy vitamins for dads called Dadgummit.
My almost 2 y/o can now open our pantry door and that MF’er won’t stop bringing me cans of soup.