Me: I’ll never be like my parents
Also me: If you kids don’t stop fighting, I’ll pull this car over and you can walk home!
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The options really are this bad
barbie: how many barbies are you seeing ken??
ken:
barbie: *flips over plastic pizza saver table*
last night i was walking frankie and she started sniffing the air rly intently so i let her follow the trail cause i was like omg what if it’s a missing person?? we could save them!!! but no, it was a grilled cheese sandwich in a bush 😔
[checking bag at the airport]: yes, that is indeed a bag
If being successful was an amusement park, I’m the kid that drove his bumper car in the corner and can’t get out.
You enter. “I’ve been expecting you,” I say from behind the massive swivel chair. I put too much leg into turning around & spin for 5 mins.
I cry way more when I’m angry than when I’m sad. So if you see my tears, look out for my left hook too.
I want my house to be tidy enough so that if people stop by unannounced, it doesn’t look like I adopted a bear with a jug stuck on its head.
I just read that if you’re 200 pounds on Earth, you’re 76 pounds on Mars.
I’m not fat, I’m on the wrong planet.
Flight Attendant: Is anyone here a doctor?!
Me: *shoving my way to the front* no
doktor: are you enjoying the weather?
me: yes. it is very outside
Parenting tip: From day one never cut a crust off a sandwich; your kids won’t know there’s any other way. Stay lazy, my friends.
ME: wanna sing a Christmas carol?
KIDS: YES!
ME: then go outside
[wife frantically searching the house]
Have you seen the kids, I’ve looked everywhere
[me napping on couch]
OMG HOW LONG HAVE WE HAD KIDS
Why are karate people always breaking boards? Did boards kill their parents?
Sorry babe, you knew you were dating a bad boy [shuffles Pokemon cards without the plastic covers]
If she can do anything why is there no Money Laundering Barbie?
Nice tan, what’s your race? Carrot?
Establish dominance at your in-laws by continuing to eat that piece of fruit even though you didn’t know it was plastic.
I phonebanked for @BernieSanders tonight and my skin is now clear, my gpa is rising, and my crops are flourishing
Accidentally pressed 2 for Spanish and Donald Trump’s security team came out of nowhere to deport me.
One of the best things about painting a room is getting to lick the empty paint can when you finish up a gallon.
*trips over an ice cube dropped on the floor*
Me: This is JUST like the Titanic!!
Quick shout-out to @funTweeters. The “aggregators” and “parodies” could learn a thing or two from this account. It’s aggregation done right.
someone told me “I couldn’t think of anyone I’d rather spend time with,” & my first thought was that they tried really hard to think of someone else but had to settle on me, so thanks low self esteem, u my only friend
Can you people that don’t use your own picture for an avi stop flirting for crying out loud a lighthouse hit on me this morning!
My 3yo isn’t very original when it comes to naming his stuffed animals… Kitty, Brown Bear, Bunny, etc. So why should I be surprised he named the turtle “Turdy?”
I’m sporting Cameron Diaz’ *Something About Mary” hairdo, but tragically, the magic ingredient is Cadbury Crème egg filling.
Wanted:
Someone to hand feed me Doritos so my fingers don’t get orange.
No weirdos.