Cop: know why I pulled you over?
“Hopefully to arrest me.”
Cop: [sees backseat full of screaming kids] sir, please step out of the vehicle.
You Might Also Like
“oh no, this is so scary or whatever lol”
-giraffe in quicksand
*orders delivery*
If I were gonna give advice about how to survive leaving your phone at home, it would be this: stare at something else. I chose a weird baby
High school teachers: You are to write about the use of the color yellow in The Great Gatsby. If it’s less than 10 pages I will CALL THE COPS.
College profs: Write about an entire religion. I don’t even care which one but if you make me read more than 3 pages I will end my shit.
one time I bought a cd and i thought the guy was going to say ‘have a good night’ but he said ‘do you have a favourite band’ and I said ‘you too’ and then I had to stand and pretend to know about Bono for five minutes while holding a Shania twain album I bought for my mom
Anyone who says time flies, has obviously never been on a treadmill.
Crocodile: “See ya later alligator.”
Alligator: “yeah, I don’t do that anymore Jeff.”
My phone: 58%.
My husband’s phone: 7%.
Me: Honey, I need your charger.
No, sweetie. You can’t see the moon with vernaculars.
If you’re expecting your first baby, skip the self-help books and practice not feeling triggered by “watch this” “why” and “one more”
british people be having sex like:
mmmm yes splendid ah indeed scrumptious carry on good heavens i’m arriving
I’m in charge of the team-building activity at the next staff meeting, I guess we’re all getting new tattoos.
Subway Guy: Enjoy your sandwich
Me: You too!
Subway Guy:
Me:
Me: *gives him my sandwich* this is yours now
It was that very moment when we realized our shared love for multipurpose utensils brought us together & that’s when the sporks flew.
I was going to clean my house but decided to stop inviting people over instead
“WHAT THE…SON OF A..WHY ISN’T THIS- oh.”
*takes plastic shield off razor*
There’s a lady on my NextDoor app who likes to jump into long threads and write “can we please stop talking about this” with increasing frustration while everyone ignores her and I love her so much
Floating in a sensory deprivation tank is a pretty good indication it’s not working out outside the womb
Normal people driving by a construction site: wonder what they’re building…
Me: what a great place to bury a body!
im all 3
Husband: *passes hearing test* Please tell my wife that I failed.
Me: [from the waiting room]
I heard that!
Just experienced LA to its fullest.
A girl ate a habanero pepper and panicked and someone offered her a glass of milk and she paused mid freak out and goes “do you have almond milk?”
*runs into wife on the way to see his mistress*
Aww are those flowers for me?
-Uh…yeah
Is there a card too?
*with a mouthful of paper* No
I swear some people should be banned from cooking
pretty drunk right now and wow there is a lot of gravity on this planet
*Batman voice*
“I’m Batman.”*Wife voice*
“Go empty the dishwasher, Batman.”
My kid: “Mommy, can you teach me how to pick a lock?”
Me, on the other side of the bathroom door: “No.”
Remind the demons under your bed that you’re the landlord, raise the rent.
me: if I’m guilty of anything it’s caring too much…
judge: no it’s armed robbery
me: *clenches fist* about money
[inside a tornado]
Dad: wind’s really pickin up