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Welcome to adulthood.
You get mad when they rearrange your grocery store now.
So my dad was all “stop eating my pills” and then I was like “stop melting into the floor and spinning multi colored webs you talking lamp”
My therapist thanked me for making her decision to retire early much easier.
So I’ve got that going for me.
I backed my car into my husband’s car once when we were dating and for 25 years he’s not parked behind me.
me: wats ur favorite cheese
date: camembert
me: o thats ok let me kno when u remember
*tries to throw a cotton ball really hard over and over again*
I shed so much hair, I couldn’t commit a perfect murder if I tried.
My favorite question is “are you a real person?” and the answer is no. I’m a sewer rat who discovered an old iphone and is now using it for nefarious purposes. Hope that settles that.
MY MOM: [handing me my hulk hands] Good luck on your date tonight.
This poor girl dropped her salad in the parking lot, so I grabbed her hand and said “Lettuce pray”
Imagine the excitement of the first scientist to travel between parallel dimensions. He’ll be beside himself.
Me: Can I dip my breadstick in your Alfredo sauce?
Him: Usually it’s me asking you that.
13YO: SHUT UP. STOP IT RIGHT NOW!
Me: I swear you’ll be the death of me
Murderer: lol
Home buyer: I want to live close to nature!
*wildlife shows up*
Home buyer: Not like that.
Her: Let’s play doctor.
Me: Ok. That’ll be $500.
Midwest trash talk
Interviewer: what is your greatest weakness?
Me: I usually take an afternoon nap
Interviewer: what? why?
Me: have to sober up for the drive home
My 4yo twins spent half the morning yelling “Alexa watch this!!” and when they finally walked away Alexa asked if I could find her a new home that doesn’t have kids
Good news, guys. According to WebMD, I only have mild rabies or possibly demonic possession.
The Mayor in Jaws was right.
Imagine you traveled to the beach on the 4th of July and they’re like “Sorry ocean’s closed – there was a SHARK out there a few days ago!”
“Who made that decision?”
“Our SHERIFF who is SCARED of WATER!”
WIFE: what the hell happened here?
ME: i broke an egg
[earlier]
ME [shaking egg]: tell me what u know, u piece of shit
one time my grandma told me about a secret menu at burger king that involved a police escort to a second burger king
Me: Time heals all wounds.
Murderer: *stabbing me* Way to keep a positive attitude, but that’s probably inaccurate.
[mind reader club]
speaker:
audience:
speaker:
audience: *clapping*
I was always told to eat all my food so that I’d grow to be big and strong.
When exactly does the strong part kick in?
Me: I don’t have a fear of the unknown.
Also me: *stepping on something wet* OH MY GOD! What is that?! Why is it wet?!
The most exercise I get from my exercise ball is when I move it around in my apartment so that it’s not in my way.
Me:FitBit™
Dogs:SitBit™
Babies:ShitBit™
Mosquitos:GitBit™
Scabies:NitBit™
Writers:WitBit™
Ballplayers:HitBit™
Stoners:LitBit™
Teens:ZitBit™
TV: wanna watch a show about a white dude from Wisconsin?
Women: no
TV: he’s a serial killer who eats people
Women: WHY AM I NOT WATCHING THAT RIGHT NOW
I downloaded “ambient coffee shop” track. Just low talking, dish clanking, & one lady yelling “Finn. Look at mommy. FINN. You want a scone?”