I’ll see the eclipse when it’s out of theaters and on cable in 3 months.
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[blind date]
So,where you from?
[eyes turn black]
T h E S E v E n T H C i R C L e O F H e L L
Oh nice. ever miss it?
[cries blood]
Y e s
Probably my best painting.
ME: I’m gonna punch my boss right on the nose
PRIEST: you can’t tell me about sins in advance
[to psychic gf] the spirits you talk to make fun of me don’t they
“no”
[she laughs for no reason]
AHHHH *punching the air* FIGHT ME SPIRITS
Now that replies are broken this feels like a good time to let everyone know that I’ve always thought Buffalo sauce is sour trash.
publisher: tell me all about it
orwell: it’s about a farm
publisher: sounds good
orwell: with animals
publisher: naturally
orwell: and they’re fascists
publisher: of course
My brother said he’d have to call me back because he had to “take a shit.” That was six hours ago. At what point should I start to worry?
Jeez, you do a Satanic voice into a baby monitor one time and your neighbors never invite you over again.
[first date]
ME: Don’t let her know you’re a teacher
HER: [eats mint from purse] So, w-
ME: I HOPE YOU BROUGHT ENOUGH FOR THE WHOLE CLASS
*Chicken strips*
Me: *blushes*
“I get plenty of exercise” I tell myself as I eat a banana peel because I’m too lazy to get off the sofa and throw it away
Badminton implies the existence of a more sinister sport: Goodusedoff
My boyfriend’s boss is scared of getting the coronavirus so naturally she has decided that instead of finishing at 5:30 they will finish at 4:30, because as we all know the coronavirus only comes out after 5
Me: I know we agreed that you’d stay home but… things are tight right now, and I really need you to get a job
My Dog:
💀💀🤣 Why are we like this?
The Fast and the Furious.
– Me, not eating after 6:00 pm for my morning blood work 😠.
ME: how will i die
FORTUNE TELLER: you will be hit by a car
ME: will my wife miss me
FORTUNE TELLER: perhaps i wasn’t clear
My hair stylist asked for a pic so she could assess my hair for a comeback appointment and I was just told she suddenly left the country.
Me: Ooh, I’d love to go to your party, but I have a dentist appointment.
Her: On a Saturday night?
Me: I’ve got really bad teeth.
ME: pssstt psssssttt! hey kid! wanna get high?
KID: mom, just throw the treehouse ladder down, and get out.
Wife: Do I look like I’ve gained weight?
Me: Not if I look from really, really far away, no
W: I despise you
I have more pictures of food on my phone than I do of my children.
lowe’s manager: so…you want a job. what department should I assign you to?
me: hmm…how about the mirror aisle? I can see myself working there.
Let me sing you the song of my people at 3-4 am.
-my cat.
Millenials Are Ruining The Economy By No Longer Dying In Coal Mines At Age 8 In Exchange For Ham
dog owners: their name is buddy
cat owners: their name is cool ranch dorito
All the kings horses and all the kings men probably feel like they’re being grossly underutilized with that whole egg thing.
betcha they beat the robot dinosaurs by transforming into an asteroid.
if you play guitar in a band, always make sure to look like it hurts to play
I miss the days when my 2yo didn’t have opinions and I could dress him in whatever I wanted.