My husband asked me to put him to sleep with a happy ending…
*reads a book “and they lived happily ever after”
Mmmm yeah, you like that?
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Keep finding mysterious rocks in the pockets of my 6 y/o’s sweatshirt after school.
Can’t tell whether she’s starting a collection or planning a 1st Grade Shawshank Redemption.
Wife: Don’t use that Band-Aid. It’s expired.
Me: How can a Band-Aid possibly go bad?
*puts on Band-Aid*
*bursts into flames*
Prank your dog by loosening his collar a bit everyday and googling “shrinking dog syndrome” while he’s on your lap
If I were a music critic I would write things like, “He really steered that car into the driveway” or “Her music makes me want to eat a quality pizza”
Möther may I have a snäck
Struck by her beauty, Issac Newton leans in for a kiss. He receives an equal, but opposite, reaction.
Quarantine Day 23: Today the kids and I made shivs…fine, we sharpened pencil crayons for a craft. But by the end of it, I definitely felt like stabbing someone.
Can’t feed an old dog new Trix.
Trix are for kids.
The check engine light came on inside my oven.
How have I got to this age and I still haven’t figured out what you’re supposed to do with your arms when you’re trying to get to sleep.
Hungover this morning, just accidentally flushed my toilet again right after I’d flushed it and found myself apologizing to it, aloud. So I guess quarantine has turned me into a Canadian?
How’s your Saturday going?
I’ll go first: my 10 yo came upstairs from his video game haze to tell me the dog peed on the rug again. We don’t have a dog.
He who fights with lobsters must take care not to become a lobster. For when you gaze long into the bisque, the bisque also gazes into you.
My husband just solved a puzzle on Wheel of Fortune with only 2 letters turned on the board and he leaned over to high five me.
If anyone wants to high five him back, he’s still waiting.
I told the baby to stop throwing her cup and she immediately grabbed it, took a long drink, threw it across the room and then looked me dead in the eye and said, “Uh oh.”
My favorite thing about living in New York is that when you see somebody with a baby carrier strapped to their chest, 9 times out of 10, it’s a poodle
When I went to bed last night I had 47,000 followers. Now I have 700.
Did I spell something wrong?
My child had pancakes and syrup for breakfast so I guess I’ll be sticking to my furniture for the next week
yesterday i was walking to an interview and on the way there, I saw a starving cat. I stopped to feed it and missed the interview. The next day I got a call asking to come in to do the interview. I was surprised but I went anyways. The interviewer came in. It was the cat.
Why would you ask me for directions?
You just saw me walk into a closed door.
I used to be God’s gift to women but now I’m God’s gift to the clickbait advertising industry.
TEXT FROM WIFE: I bought some plant based cheese
ME: Treese
HER: I hate you
It’s only a matter of time before the zombies are afraid to eat our brains because we’re such idiots.
I’ve started insulting people exclusively with bird names, if you don’t like it then cope you red breasted nuthatch
Cats don’t say YOLO they say YOLNT
Me: I’m meal planning. Is candy corn allowed on keto?
Keto: Please leave our cult.
me: do u take walk-ins?
morgue: what